unwanted-be-a-loser

Hot damn was I fucked up. Where I am at now – compared to where I was a decade ago – is really hitting me. I’m writing my “story” of how I got to be where I am today for my marketing, and am watching the patterns of my life unfold in slow-motion retrospect. Despite the exorbitant amounts of therapy I’ve done, it’s stirring up some somber and despondent feelings.

The most heart-wrenching is seeing how unwanted and undesirable I have been my entire life, and how major of a theme that has been.

I’m not exaggerating: I was an “oops baby” and my mother was disowned by her strict Catholic father for having me out of wedlock at 17. Continuing on to a physically abusive father to me and my mother until I was 3, attempted kidnapping, and pure chaos.

Moving on now towards childhood and elementary school, I was made fun of and bullied because I had warts at 6 years old. I continued to deal with bullying and low self-esteem even after they were gone… all the way to high school graduation. Between that and my unstable home life, my desire and attempts to run away were boundless.

At middle and high school I didn’t fit in at all, mostly for questioning authority and being “too creative and intelligent” (I even was put into a special class for advanced kids, but that only made kids despise me more). The fun continued in my school years with classic nerd scenes such as: getting picked last in gym class, sitting alone during lunch, Forest Gump style “this seat’s taken” on the bus, being rejected by girls, and having no friends. Oh, and my personal traumatic favorite: throwing a massive birthday party for 50 people and only 12 (including me and family) show up.

Now after my pivot from depression and planning suicide, I went into the “real world”. I was 18 doing computer work with mostly adults twice my age, and then skipped out of college and any “real job” to start my first software business. Imagine looking 15 and having close-minded country folk people ask you what grade you’re in… and saying you don’t go to school or work, but are running a software company that’s serving Fortune 500 companies from your grandparent’s spare room.

Nope, not fitting in too well here either, and damn surely no social life as a teenage programmer and entrepreneur in a new city (I finally succeeded in running away to California).

Fast forward to now where I have an entirely “radical” lifestyle where I eat super healthy, partake in non-dogmatic spirituality, writing books and courses for people to have holistic dirty-and-divine-merging sex, and see things in ways many people don’t comprehend.

In the past two years: I’ve been harassed and accused by cops for robbing a house simply because I was rollerblading in my neighborhood and accused for being a prostitute because I was living in my car (seriously). I have been homeless and dealt with that entire world of disdain and outcast for over 9 months. I couldn’t even get a part time, minimum wage, retail job because I has no experience… enough though I ran a 6 figure software company for 7 years on my own, was board certified in multiple therapies and sales modalities, and had traveled the world.

I felt like I had all this value to give, all these high level things I could do for these businesses… but yet, they didn’t even want me for folding clothes or ringing a register?

This was probably the most devastating blow to my self-worth since school. And of course, a massive ego check – let’s be real here.

While none of these people ever end up wanting me, the good news is I’m no longer a victim to it. I no longer feel sorry for myself, and I no longer blame any of these circumstances or people for my life. I don’t blame myself either, but I’ve taken responsibility for where I want my life to go now. I have done – and am still doing – the work required to heal and change these stories.

Sometimes I still hurt when nobody listens to what I have to say – especially when I know I know my shit. When I’m sitting alone in my room writing articles and books to help bring awareness, love, and empowerment to people that I’m not sure will even read it. When I teach one of the most incredible philosophies and approaches to becoming a phenomenal lover, and yet I’m not with any women because I’m spending all my time getting my business running so others can have access to these materials. When I have family and friends who choose death and sickness over listening to me for advice and solutions, because who am I to know more than “the best doctors in the world”.

As strong as I’ve become, as much as I try to ignore the haters, as conscious and aware of all of this as I am – it still hurts. I know the lessons I’m getting from this are incredible, I believe in the process, and I know I’m steps away from transmuting this story once and for all. It has to be this way, for how I help millions of people – and succeed in the market – if I continue a pattern of being unwanted?

I know I am loved. I know I am wanted. I know that even if I’m not, it’s okay. I feel it, and know the truth… intellectually at least. These things were once my past, but never who I really was. So here’s my current truth, a raw glimpse inside my biggest fault and struggle in life.

It hurts to know I can do so much good in this world, that I can help so many people, and feel that this world tries to say no every chances it gets. I know it’s not the reality, I know the world isn’t out to get me or shuns me by default. But I make that judgement for them, I presuppose that’s the case. I know that for my whole life I’ve came from that frame and have thus created what I’ve expected.

It’s still a novel feeling to have people want me regardless of what value I can bring to them. It’s still weird having people actually show up to events I invite them too. It’s still a surprise when somebody doesn’t flake on me.

I still feel lonely toiling away at my books, articles, and Instagraming my lunch at Whole Foods… doing so for those dozen likes that take away from the fact that, 15 years later, I’m still eating lunch by myself despite hundreds of friends. It seems there’s a little shift needing to happen around these things, and I’m sure very shortly I’ll address them not that I’m no longer in self denial.

There’s been a subtle sense of undesirableness, loneliness, beaten-down, neediness, sadness, arrogance, jealousy, and hopelessness humming in nuances of my psyche. There, I’ve said it.

Despite all of this, despite almost 3 decades of being an outcast, undesired, and rejected I’m still going at it. I’m still following my dreams, evolving, and doing everything I can to be a better person.

Perhaps it’s because I want to truly help people. Perhaps it’s because it’s how I get the world to value me, so I can value myself. Perhaps it’s because I’m part of some unforeseen plan to change the world. Perhaps I have delusions of grandeur. Perhaps it’s because I’m stubborn and just won’t shut up and step back in line. Perhaps I have a radical ego that’s preventing me from feeling worthless and surrendering to the fact none of this really means anything and we’re completely insignificant.

I don’t really know for sure, but damn – I can’t wait to look back as write my “story” another 20 years from now and see how it all turned out.

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