How amazing would it be to find the perfect partner to spend your life with (or at least a long while), in absolute bliss? It’s not going to happen by some movie-moment magical events, so let me show you how you can take your love life into your own hands. This post is in response to Silvia and Nancy’s questions on how to find a great guy to have an authentic and fulfilling relationship with at any age. A bit ago, I offered to fulfill any request presented on Facebook to simply pay-it-forward, and this post is a combined response to 2 of those questions.
The formula for finding and attracting a partner is the same, regardless of gender, race, or age. It’s simple, yet not all aspects are easy. Some of it can take a few minutes a day, some you’re already doing, any some can take many years. If you have some major issues blocking your ability to successfully date, you’re going to have to face your demons.
So how do you find your “perfect partner”? How do you attract an amazing man or women into your life?
It’s a question for the ages, I tell you. It’s not a mysterious complex process… once you know it. The challenge is actually doing it. We expect fairytale experiences where the person just magically appears in our life, both of us perfect and ready to go. This doesn’t happen.
Let me rephrase that: it doesn’t happen until you’ve done all the work that’s required to happen.
It’s like the overnight success stories we hear. How all of sudden, somebody makes the pro team or sells their business for millions. Deep inside, we all know that it took years and hours of blood, sweat, and tears to prepare them for that “overnight” moment. If you want your “perfect 10”, if you want an amazing person, it’s going to take time and effort (whether it’s with volition or just part of your life experience by default).
If you know my work, you’re aware that my M.O. is all about self empowerment. So while the universe may have plans for you, or perhaps your god is setting in place miracles, it is entirely out of your hands. Instead of waiting around and hoping, there are things you can be doing that will maximize your chances and accelerate the processes. Just like business, dinner, or a fit body – your love life doesn’t just happen on its own.
Here’s the strategy in a nutshell:
- Define What You Want & Don’t Want
- Become Perfect Partner Material
- Focus, Imagine, And Appreciate What You Want
- Show Up & Play Fully
- Be Ready & Open
Sounds simple, right? Well it is, but don’t expect results overnight. We’re talking about your perfect partner, “the one”, etc. Not just some cool person to hookup with. Great results require great determination. This is how you get that high quality mate you’ve dreamed of.
1. Define What You Want & Don’t Want
Most people don’t get what they want simply because… they don’t know what they want!
They may say: “Oh I want a nice guy who isn’t rude or late, and a relationship that’s satisfying and loving”. It is so vague and emotionless that it doesn’t do anything. At all.
What you define must excite the fuck out of you. A mere glance at your list, or the picture of your partner in mind, should send ripples of excitement throughout your body. If not, you’re missing out on the emotional power that is going to drive your desire and magnetize it closer. You can’t just “hope” for an amazing partner – you need to have a burning desire for them. Wishing and daydreaming isn’t enough, you need a definite idea.
When you define what you want, it’s good to focus on general terms with emotion unless it’s a deal breaker. For example, instead of saying “a strawberry blonde with 3 feet of glowing shining hair”, you would say “she must have beautiful, shining, long hair that turns me on”. You can be super specific if you want, as long as it gets you results. However, what if the love of your life has dirty blonde hair instead, but you totally rule her out when you see her because you were being so strict? If instead you keep it general and state how it makes you feel, it’s still charged up and you’ll know it will please you because it makes you feel great.
Saying you want her to be “the perfect cuddle height that makes me want to pick her up” rather than “she’s 5’3″ tall”, is a lot more powerful. Again, keeping it generalized is more to keep you open to unknown ways they could show up.
Write your ideal partner’s traits out in 2 lists: what you want and what you don’t want. Go until you exhaust everything in your mind. Once you have both lists, it’s important to turn the “do not wants” into their positive forms.
- “not a liar” becomes “an honest person with integrity”
- “not fat” becomes “healthy and fit”
- “doesn’t play video games 24/7” becomes “has passions and purpose in life”
- “can’t be selfish in bed” becomes “must be a great lover“
Make sense? You don’t want a list of traits that you don’t want, because you’ll end up focusing on those and that’s what you’ll get. Most people keep attracting poor partners not because of lack of focus, but because they focus on what they don’t want!
After this, you should have a gigantic list of everything you want in your perfect partner. Go through and star the ones that are deal breakers – the ones they must have or else would be miserable. You must hold true to enforcing these! If you find somebody that doesn’t have them, you have to cut it off! Do not continue with people that break your deal breakers.
If you don’t respect your own boundaries and standards, you’ll signal to the world that you’re not serious. You will also keep attracting people that don’t meet or respect your standards.
I’m not saying tell them to bug off, or to not be friends with them, or even to blow off a one night stand – but as far as finding somebody who’s your significant other, never settle. You can always go back and change this list, but don’t do it to justify a relationship you’re getting into that makes you love-stupid. This a dangerous sign.
2. Become Perfect Partner Material
In order attract, date, and keep your perfect 10 partner – you must be their equivalent of the same. Do not change your personality for them, rather, become the best version of yourself that would meet your own expectations. Why do you imagine such a high quality person would date somebody who doesn’t match their own ideal mate?
That’s right, they wouldn’t.
If you want to date amazing people, you have to – surprise! – become an amazing person yourself.
It’s crazy how many overweight, sick, aimless, broke, bitter men wish they could date a genuine, loving, sexy model. Not only that, but then get angry when they wont date them and start calling them superficial bitches. Reality check – your appearance, attitude, and behavior reflected in your outer world is a great indicator of your inner world. It’s not that you don’t look like a hunk, it’s that you’re lazy, unhealthy, and have no direction in life – all of which are deal breakers for most people with basic standards.
If you’re going to “change” in order to attract a higher calibre person, change to improve yourself – not for them. Change because you want to become healthy, fit, loving, honest, successful, and happy for yourself and nobody else. I’m talking genuine self improvement here, we all have to do it. The better we become inside and out, the better our lives become, and the better people we attract into it.
This is serious decision making when it comes to finding somebody you’re going to spend decades with. They, just like yourself, want the best they can get on all levels. It’s important to realize their standards can be totally different than yours, so don’t focus on fitting into their mold. Instead focus on becoming your ideal self, and the perfect match to that will come naturally in your partner.
3. Focus, Imagine, And Appreciate What You Want
In order to get what you want, you need to focus on it. After you made your list, I hope you didn’t just throw it away somewhere. Keep that list of what you want out, and be sure to focus and imagine what that perfect partner looks like, and most importantly, what it feels like to be with them.
It’s important to appreciate already having them, even though you don’t. This is a crazy request and messes up most people when they do anything “Law of Attraction” based. The best way to do this is appreciating the individual traits as you see them in other people and yourself. If you can feel the appreciation as you imagine and daydream, great. However most people don’t feel it, so if you can enjoy the qualities separately in your own life, it helps.
For example: You want a boyfriend or girlfriend that has a great body and you don’t have them yet. Simply appreciate and compliment (in your head or to them for real) people with great bodies. Better yet, get a great body yourself and become grateful for that.
Since we already converted what we don’t want into what we do want, it’s much easier to focus on “safely”. Be careful though: the negatives have a nasty habit of sneaking back in.
It’s great to visualize yourself with your partner as if it has already happened. Feel what it’s like to wake up everyday next to them, hear the sound of their car driving up after work, smell the aroma of their scent or the meals they prepared you, and see them right in front of you happy, smiling, and ready to pounce on you because they find you as irresistible as you find them.
4. Show Up & Play Fully
The part that’s missing in attraction-based approaches, and the only thing present in do-do-do approaches, is actually showing up and taking action. This is key. If you’re not showing up where you’re likely to find your perfect mate, your chances of meeting them are drastically low.
I’ve lived in many places where people that met my desirable mate traits were often non-existant. It’s just a cultural thing sometimes, based on locale. So I moved. I move to where my chances of finding my perfect partner are much higher. If you expect to find a supermodel in Hodunk, Nowhere, you’ll be greatly disappointed. Try moving to LA, Miami, NYC, Tokyo, Paris, London, etc. instead where a lot of them, you know, work and live.
If moving sounds extreme, you obviously don’t want your perfect partner bad enough. That’s okay, you might not be ready yet.
The most practical way to “show up” no matter what city (or non-city) you’re in, is to show up in everyday life. Leave your house, go to stores, join clubs, go to cafes, go to the beach, work at a place with people you like, leave your house and go on a trip – just show up in the world. You won’t meet somebody sewing pancake pot holders in your living room watching Star Trek reruns.
When you do show up in the world and take action to actively meet people, play fully. Don’t hold back for later, don’t save the goods for a better person, or don’t just be blasé. Engage the world and give it your gifts. Everyone deserves them, not just Mr. or Miss. 10. When you’re shining bright with joy, love, and fun – this is when your perfect partner will notice you.
5. Be Ready & Open
The last step is to actually be ready for such an amazing person to come into your life. You may think you’ve been ready for ever, so what the hell?! Well here’s the profound truth:
If you were really ready, they would be here. Because they are not here, it means you’re not ready.
It’s as simple as that. “Being ready” could be a simple choice, a mindset, where you live, your current lifestyle, your work to become a better quality mate, having more relationships to learn from, or a greater purpose at the moment. It either means you have more work to do, or the time just isn’t right for both you and that person.
You may have internal blocks, such as limiting beliefs or negative emotions. This can show up with thoughts like:
- “I’m not good enough for such an amazing partner”
- “I can never love openly again”
- “Life sucks, nobody loves me”
- “I’m ugly, how they find me attractive?”
- “Only rich people or super models can have great mates”
Even if a partner does show up while you have thoughts like these, there’s a good chance you’ll sabotage the relationship unconsciously. It’s imperative to find and heal these, a processes that may take years. It doesn’t mean you have to be lonely in interim, though.
You must also be open to a partner showing up in ways that you wouldn’t expect. Perhaps you imagined meeting them at a cafe, but they end up being a friend’s sibling that you met at a party. Perhaps you thought he or she would look exactly like you imagined them physically, but they don’t because you’ve never seen an ethnicity like them before. Even the timing could throw you off based on where you are in life.
You have to be open to what it could look like and let go of a preconceived notion of what they must look like, and how they’ll show up so perfectly. The universe, your god, or your inner-self knows better than you do what will be perfect for you at the perfect time. Trust that, as well as actively showing up and developing yourself into the best you that you can be so you’re ready for them when they appear.
I’ve personally done these 5 things over the past many years and have had great (and predictable) results. One time, the girl showed up within a week of imagining her. It didn’t workout, because she got really weird, which allowed me to add a few more deal breakers to my list – and have never dated a girl since that had the same issues. I had another girl I met where it was an incredible experience for weeks. I later found a document that had a list of my desired traits on it, and she matched almost every single one (I had to add the stipulation about being “local” next).
It blew my mind. I’m sure if you follow this same processes, it will blows yours as well. Just be patient and persistent.
I hope this helps, so please let me know if you have any successes using this process by leaving me a comment below!
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