Over the past 7 years, I’ve been on an adventure of online dating with both little and great successes, and along with others, had no idea why I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. As I’ve grown, I’ve discovered why most of us don’t find the kind of incredible dates they want online and in the real world: it’s because we’re not a match to what we want. If we want an amazing, hot, fun, sexy, intelligent mate – we have to be what those types of people are looking for themselves.
Everyone has their own standards, but I’ve recently found so many people messing up the basics with dating that I was compelled to write such a drastic post. A little less ‘zen’ then most of my writing, but somebody has to say something – a wakeup call I wish I had for myself many years ago.
These incredible 9’s and 10’s (of our own accord – not just looks, but the whole shebang) inevitably have higher standards which most online-daters hardly ever meet. I know I sure didn’t at first – not by a long shot. Despite that, in recent years the table has turned and I’m left looking for women who can even remotely meet some of my most basic standards (being fun, healthy, engaging, etc). They were actually my standards all along, but I was just way too desperate to enforce them and couldn’t justify them with my own personality back then.
What changed? Me.
As you may know from reading this site or learning about me, I’ve done a lot of work on myself to become a better man, and inherently a better quality mate. I’ve…
- Became super healthy and fit; drastically improving my appearance.
- Resolved many of my emotional issues and traumas.
- Started new businesses.
- Learned countless social and dating skills.
- Found purpose and a mission in life.
- Focused on defining my own spirituality and becoming at peace.
- Stopped a lot of annoying, weird, and off-putting habits.
- Travelled and done amazing things I can now talk about.
- Voyaged through dark low periods that made me more compassionate.
- …and countless other improvements that I made for myself to enjoy life.
I am by no means finished growing, and am hardly the best, the most attractive, the most successful man, or even the greatest lover in the world. However after many years, I now consider myself a high quality man whom many woman enjoy to be with – especially compared to the “previous me”. I realized that “just being myself” was harmful, because that “self” had a lot of problems and was actually a less authentic version of myself. If I can transform myself and resolve my issues, so can anyone else. Anybody can reach their potential and become more desirable, it just takes work.
Let me first define what I think a High Quality Mate is, and then we’ll get to it.
HQM – Somebody who is healthy mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Beyond their inherent value as a human, they add and create more value for others through their own things like: business, entertainment, charity, ideas, talents, love, wisdom, etc. They’re intelligent, stable, loving, playful, sexy and sensual, confident, and powerful. They have a life of their own and are living it. They have options. They desire and are desirable. They are worldly and sexually openminded. They radiate beauty in their own perfect way. They are authentic and congruently themselves. They “get it”. They are comfortable and fascinating, ever and always evoking the best of those around them.
It’s the high fashion model you see reading National Geographic listening to Chopin while confidently wearing your t-shirt after she preps a gourmet meal. It’s the stylish business man playing with children on the playground, flirting with you on the bench. It’s the beach bum surfer who owns a Fortune 500 company, doesn’t actually toke all day, and speaks with eloquent prose. It’s the sexy cocktail waitress that’s dishing out witty banter with drunk patrons as she pays for her doctorate and her son’s medical bills. It’s the person who defies their stereotype to become an inspiration for their own litle pocket of the world.
It’s people that are so beautiful inside, that their glow radiates out to everything the do and become. It’s what I would consider the 9’s and perfect 10’s, the “too good to be trues but ares”, and the people you would be willing to put up with their imperfections because they’re well aware of them and do what it takes to be great anyways. Someone you’d proud to be seen with, and a year ago somebody so incredible you wouldn’t believe you’d be with. Even if they’re are not these things yet, it is apparent they are well on their way to be.
Through this new perspective, and with the help of seeing some beautiful women’s inboxes, it’s became apparent why so many men and women aren’t getting good results (and why I wasn’t before). I wanted to share with online-daters why they suck at pre-dating and won’t be given a second glance from high quality mates that they truly deserve.
Yes there are many variables outside our control, but the truth is, all women aren’t just stuck-up bitches, and all guys don’t just want what’s between your legs. If you’re not getting the dating success you want, it’s likely you. It may sound cruel, but it’s the truth. Face it and change, or play Russian Roulette with your dating life.
1. You’re Boring
• Your pictures are repetitive, predicable, and offer no mystery or excitement.
Fix: Get better pictures of you doing better things, or unique shots. Mirrors, webcam, nightclubs… boring. Professional/model shots or you playing tug of war with a kitten? Winning. Even a picture of you just hanging out is good.
• Your messages are generic and uneventful. Entire messages comprised of only: “Hey, Hi, Sup, How r u, UR CUTE, What do you like to do, K, Sure, Neat, lol, yes” are guaranteed a 0 response unless your picture is really sexy/exciting, which leads to checking out your profile, which better be amazing. Likelihood of that happening: near absolute zero.
Fix: Say something fun, but don’t try too hard. Keep it simple at first, but be creative. If you’re not creative, just be honest without being weird or desperate. If you can’t, practice not being needy and creepy first. Some people can’t type to save their life, so if that’s you, give them your number and talk.
• Your profile is dull. It doesn’t have to be a lot, or magical, or even exciting… but it does have to show some personality. If online profiles are any indicator, most people have deathly boring personalities. If that’s not accurate, too bad – that’s all anybody has to go by. Likewise, clothing and style plays the same role. Even shoes, jeans, and a white tee can be sexy and stylish – it’s not about fancy. Also, dull stares and uneventful faces. Emote for heaven’s sake!
Fix: Develop a better personality and learn to communicate it. Develop your own style that’s congruent with your life.
• Your conversations are boring. You don’t add any value to the conversation, you have no imagination, your questions are lame, and pretty much the whole topic is trying to pull nails out of a gorilla… which would actually be more fun. You wouldn’t believe how many gorgeous women fail this (yes, it’s a test, and a deal breaker), and how many average-looking women I’ve picked because they were a blast to hang out with. If you can’t be playful and imaginative in a conversation, it’s over before it began. If I ask you what your secret agent name is or what super power you’d pick, and you don’t reply or just say IDK… you are a brick. You likely won’t enjoy day dreaming awesome adventures with me, and you likely will not partake in any sexy role-plays. Sorry, but you’re no fun, and fun = sexy.
Fix: Read good books, go on crazy adventures, learn new things. Watch things like TED talks. Becoming an interesting person is simple: always be doing interesting things. These are things you don’t hear about everyday, or wouldn’t seem likely for somebody like yourself to do. Talk about grand ideas, minimize the gossip, and ask questions that mean something.
2. You’re Unattractive
• You have unattractive habits like chain smoking, doing meth, bullying others, or kicking puppies. You have unruly acne, “skin conditions”, poor hygiene, or are obese. You use excessive make up or camera angles and crops to hide it. Physical health is a massive component of beauty. There’s a difference between “curves” and “fat”, and a lot of women and men happen to be more than just curvy. Perfection not needed – heath, very much so. This is wired biologically and has helped evolutionarily, so don’t blame people for being superficial when they don’t want to make love to somebody who might engulf them. I do not believe in encouraging harmful body images, nor do I in helplessness. Anything we can create in ourselves we can heal. I’ve seen and heard it all; your excuses are irrelevant. If you’re not motivated to go to the gym or eat right, how the hell are you going to make a relationship with somebody else you have 0% control over work?
Fix: Get healthy, or at least be honest. We still love your charming personality, but most HQM are healthy and happy. They don’t date victims – so take responsibility to eat clean and exercise. You don’t have to be buff or a size 0, but tone, clear skin and face, stylish hair, and a happy smile are doable for us all. “I am less confident, attractive, and happy now that I’m healthy, clean, and fit.” – Said no one ever.
• Not my type. Nothing really wrong with you at all, there’s just no physical spark.
Fix: None likely, or possibly some other aspect of you is just irresistible. If you’re actually healthy and fit, you can find somebody that finds you attractive based on their preference and your ideal state, not your false sick self.
• You do weird, creepy, off-putting, socially awkward things. Also, dick pics or perversions off the bat? You should know better by now. Guys are usually more guilty of this than socially-aware women, however it’s not exclusive. HQM tend to know other high quality people and share a busy social life, and if you’re somebody that makes everyone uncomfortable, chances are that’s just not going to fly too well.
Fix: Learn about boundaries and social norms. You don’t have to fit into a perfect little mold, but there are basic social norms like personal space, touching, language, etc. that you should be aware of in relation to your mate’s circle. Stalking people is a no. Breathing on somebody’s face, no. Following people around, no. Staring like you want to wear somebody’s face as a costume, not that either Hannibal. Learn when getting sexual is desired and comfortable for the girl you’re with. Nervous, uncomfortable energy can be felt too – people don’t like to be around that. If you have to ask about these things, you likely are. It’s okay – have a good friend help point out the weird things you do that turn people off. And believe me, we all have our things. I’m all about fighting the good fight against culture, but you can rebel and still not be a creeper.
3. You’re Passionless
• You don’t have any dreams, visions, or major goals for your life or others. HQM are doing things with their lives and have passions, even if they’re not pursuing them. They have things that light them up besides TV shows, junk food, and drugs/alcohol.
Fix: Find your purpose, or something you’re passionate about in life. Share it with vigor! Encourage others to as well.
• You sex like a dead fish. You’re checked out during intimacy and don’t initiate anything. You’re slow to act and show little joy or even excitement around getting physical. Even talking about sex is a chore with you.
Fix: Stop being so damn depressed, guilty, or shy. If you don’t know what to do, go learn to be great in bed. If you’re shy, develop your confidence. At the very least, find a reason to be happy to be alive. Be around things that inspire you. Develop a healthy relationship around your sexuality.
4. You’re Effortless
• You don’t put effort into meeting, conversations, or any form of communication. This usually means you’re either intimated, shy, confused, busy, disrespectful, playing games, or completely non-interested. As you can tell this creates much confusion, which most HQM don’t have time for.
Fix: Engage. If you like the person, put some effort into the conversation. You don’t have to be needy, but if you’re chatting… chat. If not, then leave. Respect their time, or they won’t give you anymore of theirs. If you’re not interested, do nothing further.
• You don’t put any effort into bettering yourself. HQM are called “high quality” for a reason, and likely put time into bettering themselves and others, so they expect the same from you. Too much to ask for? Lower your standards then, because they won’t.
Fix: Actually put effort into improving your life, in all areas. You’re not stuck at what you think you are now. If more people followed this instead of being a victim and complaining they can’t find the man/women of their dreams, more would find somebody closer to their dreams.
• Too much effort. I know, contradictory, but replying to a “Hello, how are you?” with 6 paragraphs with links and 3 post-scripts is scary. This can often lead to the next point. So, 2 year anniversary? Lots of heartfelt effort. 1st conversation about cats? Leave 5 sourced-excerpts of Wikipedia out of it, please.
Fix: Learn to control your excitement. This one has been big for me, as it was rare that I found somebody I can actually relate to, I now personally have more tolerance. But for women who get 50 messages a day (yes, literally), it’s impossible to even comprehend reading so much from somebody she doesn’t even know who’s trying to connect both of your life stories through an alignment of Jupiter 173 years ago to the coincidence of a divine sign that…
5. You’re Crazy
• YOU TALK LIKE DIZ ALL THE TIME!!!!!! NO PPL ARE alLoWeD WHO CANT CnTrL COMMUNICATION……………
I personally read this as somebody who’s likely bat-shit crazy. Call me superficial, but I couldn’t date somebody who messages me like this all the time – I’d go crazy. I have found poor chosen typing skills (people that purposely go against the structure of language) typically indicate erratic forms of behavior. This is also similar to things handwriting analysis reveals, but on a different medium to a lesser extent,
Fix: Seriously? For cereals? Stop typing like an idiot – it’s not cute or clever, and nobody will take you seriously. My brain hurts already; stop yelling and close your thought. You don’t have to be impeccable. Type for the respected medium, but this goes back to the “Effort” section as well. Oh, and all HQM find everyday intelligence sexy (not necessarily book smarts).
• Red flags. What are red flags? Things that come in conversation or profiles that indicate you’re likely to be a problem, cause problems, or have Mr. Problem show up uninvited to your door while we’re having sexy rumpus time in your dungeon. Things like:
- excessive “ex” references
- many “harmless” obsessions
- downplays of compliments
- emotional manipulation, instability, overreactions
- daddy/mommy issues
- trust issues
- unresolved sexual traumas
- cyclical history of abuse (dating verbally or physically abusive people)
- working at Disneyland
- childhood fixations as an adult (see above)
- white lies
- binge drinking
- too-soons (I love you, let’s be BF/GF, marriage within days/weeks)
- little to no quality friends
- bitterness, anger, hostility, depression, jealousy, controlling, etc
Fix: If you’re throwing a fit right now about something on this list… this definitely means you. Get honest, get help, and deal with your shit. We have all gone through hell and back, some of us resolve and heal from our issues, and some don’t. It’s a choice. Decide to let go of your baggage and heal and learn from it. Perfection not needed, but there are major deal breakers that you just need to handle if you expect to have a prosperous relationship with your own “10”. Lovers are not therapy projects, you are not dating them to “save” or “change” them. Stop it. Save yourself first and foremost because your partner’s are not here to make you happy, whole, or complete either.
To some this post may seem obviously basic, to others it will be pompous and crass, and to others I hope a harsh wakeup call. I really can’t believe how many girls/women that I see online or in person that don’t get these simple things, and wonder why they are alone. It’s an unfortunate fact that most men AND women I encounter online (and discover quickly offline), don’t have most of these taken care of. Sometimes they do, but other things get in the way of communicating this, and we can’t blame others for the initial impressions we give them.
There are bigger reasons, greater purposes and missions, more important things in life than this – yes, I know. But everything I’ve recommended has not been about changing for another just to get a hotter date – it’s about become a better person first and foremost that will inherently attract higher quality people into your life. Which really in the end, makes the world a better place for all of us.
HQM isn’t a ranking of people, it’s deserving who you want. Faulty as assessing lovers on such criteria is, and as guilty as I am for having ridiculous standards – the underlining message in this post is about empowering others to become a better person that more people want to be with.
Everyone in the world can become a high quality person – it’s not comparative with others. A car can be high quality regardless of its price or if it’s a luxury SUV, a sports car, or a pickup truck. It’s how strong it’s built, how it performs, and how long it lasts safely. Becoming a better person doesn’t lower the quality of others around you, it only raises them up with you… and who doesn’t want to date somebody like that?
I’ve written this post to illustrate things I don’t see anybody frankly telling people in a way that’s not overly offensive or bitter. It’s not very politically correct, and I don’t like going around telling people they’re crazy or unattractive. But I’ve personally overcame each one of these points, and want to tell people they are not stuck getting poor dating results with people they’re not attracted to. That they are not hopeless and at the mercy of chance love. That they can start thinking different, acting different, talking different, and become an improved version of themselves, closer to their potential, which will attract others likewise into their dating experience which equally meet their own personal standards.
If you’re looking to become a higher quality person, living the life of your dreams, adding value to the world, and having an amazing love life, get in touch with me now to work one-on-one to help cultivate your ultimate self.
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