Growing up there are constantly new experiences where we realize — or rather, decide — where we stand in relationship to them. We go to school for the first time and we’re either outgoing or shy. We go to ask out parents for a new toy and they either say yes or no (we are, or are not, worthy) — or perhaps they say “we can’t afford that” (we’re abundant or poor). We interact with the opposite sex and discover if we’re confident in approaching, flirting, or bedding — or not. We have such an adventure of experience throughout life, that over time we start to understand where we stand when these events take place again.
Eventually, we all realize there are areas in life where we triumph and excel… or well, get so emotionally worked up we start shaking violently, teeth chatter, and our heart races out of fear.
It’s from this that we realize how little our success has to do with the luck of the gods, and more so from the confidence we carry. Every single area in life can be improved by developing greater confidence in that area. We know that both men and women rate confidence as a sexy trait in the opposite sex. We know that job applicants who are more confident get better results from interviews. We know that generally speaking, the more confident we can become, the better results in getting what we want in life we’ll have.
Naturally, people that care the least bit about their lives, look for ways to build their confidence!
I work with many people to naturally build their confidence as a coach, and have many accelerated ways to do this on a permanent level. Learning from them, and in my own journey to develop confidence in many areas of life, I’ve noticed that there’s two “places” — or frames of reference — where one can build confidence from:
- Competence (knowing)
- Compensation (lack)
As somebody becomes more confident, one way they can develop it is from learning, growing, improving, experiencing, and knowing more about a particular topic — thus their confidence around it improves naturally. The more skills you enjoy investing the time and energy into mastering, the more competence‐based confidence you will create. If you want more of this confidence, learn to invest in yourself now.
While self‐steem and other factors can take somebody who’s ridiculously competent at playing the guitar to somebody who doesn’t think he’s good enough to play in front of his friends, usually developing confidence comes along with developing a skill (and I would even go to say he’s confident in playing the guitar, just not confident playing guitar in front of an audience).
The other way somebody builds or shows confidence, is because they are trying to compensate for something. They either don’t have the skills, the experience, the insights, the permission, or the esteem, etc., and are building confidence in order to succeed regardless. This isn’t a bad thing — being able to be confident even if you’re afraid, unprepared, or outmatched is very advantageous. Sometimes being confident even though you have no earthly idea what you’re doing is enough to succeed right then and there.
They say that if you’re confident enough, you can pull of anything. It’s true.
Confidence is mostly a state, and can easily be summoned at will from mastery of the topic, or as a compensation from lack of it. Often times, confidence from compensation is pulled from competence in another area, and brought into the current time. For example: if you’re a beginner football player but have a mastery in engineering, you can imagine yourself in a time where you were oozing confidence creating a draft, see what you saw then, hear what you were telling yourself, and feel those same feelings… right before a football match. Sometimes that boost is all you need in order to succeed, or at least get to the point where you can begin developing the skill further.
Let’s take another example:
Imagine taking a new girl out on a date: you’ve got it down — walk along the park, some frozen yogurt, some trendy live band at a lounge — you’ve done it 30 times in various way. You know exactly what you’re doing and what to do depending on any range of her tastes and suggestions. You’re confident about showing her an amazing time because it’s something you’ve done plenty of times before and you’re good at it.
Now imagine taking a new girl out on a date, you having just moving to a new area, and only done the dating thing a few times: you have no idea what you’re doing, but are confident enough to that you’ll figure it out on the fly, so you act and lead even though you have very little skill in creating dates. While it may or may not be the smoothest night, your confidence was enough to inspire her to join you and spend the evening together.
Regardless of your competence at planning dates, the confidence you had lead you to showing this woman a great time — hopefully (at least for that night, depending on where her desire comes from).
Applying this concept further, realize that you don’t have to be a Jedi Master in order to have confidence — your confidence level can be the same at a less developed level. This will get you to more places that you would without the confidence. 2 beginners of equal skill — one confident and the other not — are likely to have much different results. The caveat is that if someone becomes arrogant, their low level of competence may cause them to crumble by taking them past a congruent level where they can actually deliver.
This model is also useful in the opposite direction: to discern where the confidence of others comes from, and how that affects your choices. In business, you may wish to have somebody that’s coming from competence in their skill of hire, whereas in choosing a friend or mate, you simply wish them to be confident regardless of skill. Or maybe not – you may want somebody to hire who’s confident but you need to train in whatever field, and in a mate, somebody who actually has great skills in the bedroom.
Confidence from compensation seems to be more useful from the “fake it till you make it” school of thought. I think it can be very valuable in certain areas you don’t care to master, and in areas you’re developing mastery in. However, I feel the most solid, natural, and powerful confidence comes from actually practicing and doing the work necessary to gain a level of competence and skill. Some people are faking it till they make it there whole lives without ever making it.
So, be confident, and actually make it.
Is there any area in life you wish you’d be more confident about? Or perhaps a time when you “faked it until you made it”? Let me know in the comments now below!
Looking to take your confidence and competence to a whole new level? Get in touch with me now about how I can help!
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