This is one my most darkest and vulnerable posts I’ve ever written. It exposes all of my current flaws and failures that I’m afraid to even admit, even though I know better. This is obviously a once or twice in a lifetime post, as the issues I’m about to share pale in comparison to all the good things going on in my life. But it’s not always roses, unicorns, rainbows, lolcats, and fluffypuffs – and any “guru”, coach, or writer that paints a picture otherwise is lying. While I believe we should spend most of our energy on the positive and that we don’t have to struggle, we still at times need to shine that light to deal with the dark instead of unconsciously resisting it or letting it take us down a dark spiral. So here I go.
Sitting here in what I awkwardly call “my neighborhood” Starbucks, using the free WiFi and electricity because the garage I sleep in only powers on during the night, I’m wondering how the hell I do it (on a side note, I do make it fun by yelling “Welcome to Jurassic Park!” every time the “generators” come back on). How can I be living out of my car for 5 months, eating out only because I have no kitchen to prepare food, going to the beach simply because they have public showers, and having no stable source of income – and (apparently) live a more optimistic, happy, and productive life than most?
Don’t get me wrong, there’s still my dark moments. Like now. Not nearly as many as most (only because I’ve worked my ass off to heal and learn from them), but because I’ve allowed myself to become aware and deal with them, their effects feel a lot harder since the contrast in my life is greater. If everyday you see in shades of blue, and something dark blue showed up, it wouldn’t be great, but it wouldn’t cause a fuss. But if you’re seeing shades of white (what?) and all of a sudden something dark blue shows up, it’s like “HELLO! I’M HERE! DEAL WITH ME NOW!”.
Let’s just dive right into some thoughts that, I may or not really believe, but still cross my mind:
- How can I have started an online business in under a month for less than $200 while being homeless?
- How did I start ANOTHER new project and website, interviewing top sex experts and sharing hours and hours of valuable FREE content with thousands of listeners on a featured podcast in iTunes being a ‘nobody’?
- How have I managed to inspire hundreds of people on Facebook when my only life is apparently a wreak?
- How the fuck am I so happy for somebody that is urinating in empty water bottles, sleeping on concrete in a sleeping bag (“upgraded” from my driver’s seat!), and showering in front of the entire beach?
- Why do I feel fear come up as I literally write this line to share this with the world?
- Why do I also feel like a complete disaster when it’s obvious I have so much abundance, even being homeless?
- Why, after understanding dating, sex, relationships, and amazing self wisdom for over 7 years, doing massive inner work (literally hundreds of thousands of hours and dollars), being physically attractive enough to model, having a book coming out ON sex that has already received an abundance of praise, living in a cornucopia of beautiful women, having a purpose, path, and mission doing great things in the world, and a host of other reasons why I think I’m one of the most eligible bachelors in the world – that I’m unable to meet a relatively decent (or even indecent at this point) woman to date this past year?
- What if sharing this will seal my fate and be a massive turn-off to any potential clients or lovers down the road to be this honest and vulnerable? Will showing that I’m not having anything near the success I want now make me “lower status” or less valuable/attractive to the people that may see me as a potential friend, lover, or coach?
- How can I even get clients to pay me – that I know without a doubt that I can (and have many times) change their lives – if they know (or even because I am), homeless, broke, and not massively successful?
- Am I saying all of this for pity or even for help? Is this therapeutic or just keeping the resistant vibrations active?
- Am I fooling myself by thinking that I’m actually on the right path?
- What the fuck am I missing?
- Is anybody even going to read this? Will somebody get value or snap out of their victimhood and improve their lives from me exposing this?
- I don’t feel like I’m failing at all, but my manifestations aren’t showing many signs of massive shifts, and it causes doubts to creep in once in a while. I know this is just the dip in valley, and I’m on the rise up.
These are my honest to god thoughts and feelings when I get into “down mode” (which I obvious am on now writing this). This happens maybe two or three days a month, all other days I’m literally saying and feeling “Best Day Ever!” and am optimistic and feeling great… which I think for being broke & homeless is remarkable if I do say so myself. In a weird way that helps me keep going, knowing that for somebody in the situations I’ve been in, how many times I’ve been knocked down, I’m doing pretty damn good. I’ve never been on welfare, food stamps, unemployment or anything – I’m doing this all by my own will.
And actually, some of these things has some pretty cool side benefits that I wouldn’t have done if I had a real house, like swimming in the ocean and humbling myself by doing things I thought I was “too good for”.
I sometimes wonder though, what keeps me going? Why I don’t just give up and get with the “real world”, get a “real” job, keep my head down and obey, and realize my dreams of become ridiculously wealthy (in all forms), famous, dating holistic super models, NY Times #1 Best Selling Author, having an amazing body, and ultimately changing and empowering the world – should be delayed or given up on at all?
Why on earth would I choose this storm? Yes, I said choose.
This didn’t happen to me; I consciously made the decision to do this – no matter what it takes. I didn’t quite anticipate it being this “bad” for this long, however. I am NOT a victim, and am not complaining. People may see my current situation and think I’m a fool. Well the way I see it, this IS manning up and taking responsiblity for my life; I’m pursuing my dreams and making more sacrfices than any sensible person would.
But life isn’t sensible.
Would YOU live in your car, lower your dietary standards, spend 14 hour days working, almost eliminate your social/love life, and still be happy enough to enjoy your life while you pursued the burning desire inside of your soul aching to live the life you know you deserve through the absolute fulfillment of your dreams?
If you’re not, then you need to get some more important dreams my friend. If you don’t stop and figure out a purpose that makes you cry when the thought of unfulfilling it before your death comes to mind, it ain’t important enough. If you don’t have dreams so big that they make you scared, think you have no idea how the hell you can do it, or excite you enough to go to bed just so you can wake up the next morning just to make progress on them – you need bigger dreams.
Some Positive Contrast
I admit I attracted this situation to me, it’s teaching me so many things that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. I’m anticipating it to be over, yet still recognize the value in the tribulation. Maybe I’m going about it the long hard stupid way, but fuck it – I don’t know a better way than to follow my heart through what I feel is right.
I’m constantly working on myself, releasing negative emotions and beliefs that may be holding me back and have had amazing breakthroughs during this… adventure, that wouldn’t have occurred in an easier situation. Apparently I still haven’t learnt what I need to yet, or else I wouldn’t be here anymore.
After all that, without knowing me, you may think I’m just an irresponsible kid bumming around. Regardless of what you project your ideals of success for me to be, I have done some amazing things for being 25:
- I moved from NY to California myself at 18, and moved into my first apartment being able to afford almost $2,000/m in rent & making $45/h at my last “real job” at the age of 20 (without college or a degree)
- I have backpacked around Europe and SE Asia on my own for 6 months (where I lost my best friend to the Indian Ocean, and sometimes didn’t have access to my money).
- I have gone through amazing seminars and trainings that have taught me secrets of life most have no awareness of achieving high levels of certification.
- I created a 6 figure passive income business 100% on my own used by Fortune 100 companies and seen by millions, that I started at 18.
- Going from a dateless loser all during school, to being with some of the most amazing models, actresses, adult entertainers, and everyday women from literally around the world.
- I’ve lived on the beach.
- I’ve dined with the wealthy on yachts.
- I’ve had a massive psychedelic spiritual experience.
- I’ve transformed my health in the most amazing ways possible, even being a raw vegan for a year transforming my body.
- I’ve been on TV and the radio.
- I’m working on my first book, 2nd and 3rd businesses, and am in the processes of building an empire to empower people and transform their sex lives.
- I’ve made friends with some of the most amazing people in the world.
And so much more.
I say this to illustrate that our current life situation doesn’t define us or our ability in life, as much of society likes to make us believe. That just because you see a bum on the street and think he’s a failure, who knows – he could have been a WW2 vet that saved hundreds of children’s lives and went on to form a million dollar business, that had his wife die and let everything go in mourning and is now on a path of self discovery while on the sidewalks of NYC. Or, that somebody who’s making 6 figures with a mansion and BMW 6 series and a beautiful family… is working a soul-sucking job 70 hours a week that is slowing tearing him apart from the inside out.
We can’t ever grow if we don’t fall down. This is teaching me it’s okay to fall down, to look like a useless failure, but still recognize it’s temporary and that I’m just rebuilding a path from the ground up. To know who I really am inside regardless of what others may see or think, and that comparing my “progress” to others is often (almost always) the reason for suffering and dissatisfaction. My compassion and curiosity for other’s has also increased, and at the same time, my apathy and tolerance of false helplessness has greatly decreased.
Everything is a vibration, and life is also indeed a wave. My troubles and tribulations are nothing compared to those in other parts of the world, and I’m even writing this on my Macbook Air. I have access to (relatively) clean water and food, sunshine and the ocean, electricity and the internet. I have a handful of friends that have helped me out. I have a family, that while can’t do much financially, loves me greatly and is always there for me (which is vastly more important to me). I am healthy and safe. I am alive.
For all of this, and my previous list, I am grateful.
I will look back on this post a year from now and see how everything played out for the best. I have no idea who will read this, but if one person can be inspired, than I suppose it’s worth whatever repercussions this may have. I say suppose because I’m not perfect, and am still working on being selfless enough to rather that than my temporary happiness – but I know that not doing so, would leave me feeling a void, so I shall. I digress.
Keys To Success Through Thick & Thin
Back to success – what makes successful people, well, successful?
It’s quickly becoming apparent that my situation and path in life is quite similar to the super successful. I’m not talking average corporate 6 figure trophy wife success or even moderate happiness – but like Oprah success. No, I’m not kidding. I’m doing huge things in the world, and I don’t underestimate my own potential at all. I have learned and modeled from the greats, and many things are paralleling.
These are 10 keys to massive success for you to take away from this post:
- Persistence. Fail, fail, fail, fail, little win, fail, fail, fail, somewhat success, fail, fail, fail, fail, win big.
- Adaptability. Be able to be flexible, grow, learn, and change to refine yourself in order to master the circumstance.
- Self-awareness. Success doesn’t happen by ignorance. Successful people are well aware of their shortcomings, beliefs, mindsets, emotions, etc, and are constantly working on improving themselves in all areas of life.
- Positivity. Overall, successful people are optimistic and positive about themselves and what they are doing, and either ignore or use the pessimism from “haters” to fuel their dreams.
- Dream. Big. Nobody realistic ever changed the world. Nobody ever had massive success by thinking small.
- Support. They supported their friends and network, and has the same from theirs. Even if they did the initial “work” alone, there were many others involved to make it big.
- Focus. They didn’t spread themselves too thin. Instead of having 5 or 10 projects in the works, they had 1 or 2 and made those shine.
- Feelings. They didn’t listen to the world to make a choice, they listened to their gut feeling or real intuition about it that was often counter-intuitive. Success came when they acted upon an intangible “knowingness”, not a guess. They also did things to facilitate positive and empowering feelings, rather than negative.
- Higher Purpose. There was more to it than just the money or fame. Something “beyond themselves” that gave a powerful reason to not give up. A reason they couldn’t give up. A muse, ideal, or pain. They trusted themselves more than any logical reason can provide.
- Aligned Action. They took action, and took it fast, but only when it felt right for them. Rushing out of fear or greed often resulted in a failure. Often times they had the fear, but did it anyways because of a higher purpose, persistence, and dream.
While there are many lists or what it takes to be successful, I think these are most valuable in the darker times. The times when there is no proof or reason to believe you’re on the right path besides some intangible – yet very real to you – knowingness that this is what you have to be doing and it will all work out the perfect way.
The only reason I can keep going is because of this list; I keep going and going regardless of my current temporary results. I’m always learning and growing. I’m aware of myself and master my emotions and thoughts the best I can. I’m hyper positive most of the times, and when I’m not, I quickly try and catch myself. I dream massively – the desires I want for myself and the world are so big that even falling short would be incredible. I love and am loved. My focus, while not perfect, is still quite often on point with what I need to do – this could be improved though. I’m very much in touch with my intuition. My message is so important to the world at this place and time, empowerment on all levels, that I have no other choice but to become successful and help others. I don’t run after everything that pops up, even women that want to sleep with me when I haven’t had sex in a long time that I’m not attracted to or feel right about, I decline – only doing, regardless of ease or difficulty, with what is in alignment with who I am, my honestly and integrity as a man.
I actually do feel a lot better after writing this, and hope that by peering into my current dark moments, there’s something you can take from it to help you through yours. There’s nothing about me that you don’t also have access to – I’m not privilleged or given anything special. Chances are actually, you’re in a better situation than me. Do you live in a place with a kitchen , running water, or make more than $500/m? Then you have no excuses to not be on your way towards success, love, and happiness. If I can start a profitable business in 30 days from the damn driver sear of my car, you can do anything.
It’s all a matter of choice, then learning and doing what you need to get there. It takes time. Years and years, but the pay off is something beyond measure – even if you can’t see it yet. I’m actually on the cusp of breaking through, but as they say, it’s always darkest before dawn – and oh how beautiful the sunrise will be.
If you’re going through your own darkness, or have and learned something from it, please share your comments about it below!
PS. Dear future-self – How’s your luxury apartments, beautiful & amazing girlfriends, and abundance in all areas of life treating you? I bet you’re sincerely enjoying hearing the testimonials of millions of people who benefited from your best selling books and products. Remember where you came from, and to keep having appreciation for all things you try not to take for granted. You inspired me to keep going through the darkness, and even more importantly, that the idea that somebody like me could actually change the world… is not only possible, but a tangible reality for me.
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