Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Fitting image courtesy of the controversial site Hot Chicks with Douchebags

It was about 11 PM on a midsummer’s Friday night in Huntington Beach – a popular beach city in Southern California known for its surf. Waves crashing in the background, almost drowned out by the boom-boom-booms of dance floors; the salty smell of the ocean, flirting with the chemical baths of drugstore cologne and hairspray. An evening when you can plug in and plug out at anytime; it’s the perfect place and time to hit the cover-free bars, food digs, and oceanfront house parties for seemingly any aged adult.

While a generally nice and expensive place to live, places like this can often be known as a breeding ground for “brahs” and their Affliction-wearing, bro-culture embracing, bros that sport SoCal stickers on their rear windshields. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, they often portray the quintessential jerk/asshole that anyone can relate to.

So my friends and I are out ‘n about Main St., and not being huge on the getting “WAAAAASTTEDDD” rage scene, we tend to have enough braincells available to notice what’s going on around us. This night, for whatever reason, “love” was in the air and it seemed as if wherever you looked there were couples. The fascinating part of this was not only that a good portion of the bro-couple guys were coming across as arrogant jerks, but the fact their girlfriends were hot… and not just bro-hoe slutty hot – these girls were gorgeous and nice.

One of our acquaintances that we met up with couldn’t get over the fact that these “douchebags” had these “hot babes” all over them, while there were plenty of “better, nicer men” out that night whom deserve her more (AKA him). Amidst his throwing of a fairness-fit, I attempted to be positive and said we should assume that they were probably actually good guys inside, since we don’t have any idea and shouldn’t be THAT quick to judge.

Almost as if straight out of a movie, the next moment a “bro” proceeded to be a total asshole to his girlfriend and cause a scene right in front of us. All eyeballs immediately darted to me, and I was left as the jackass explaining for the remainder of the night, how on earth women can be attracted to these guys… since it obviously wasn’t because they were secretly soft cuddly stuffed love bears on the inside.

So gentlemen, it’s time once and for all to explain in simple, basic terms, why women date jerks and assholes instead of nice guys. It may seem paradoxical and enigmatic, but once I explain why women are attracted to these guys, and what they do that average nice guys don’t – you’ll see quite clearly what’s elusive to most, in order to solve this puzzle. While this is in no way a complete guide on addictive behaviors, codependency, abuse, or emotional & mental issues – I do hope it serves as a primer illuminating where typical “nice girl/jerk” relationships arise from.

I’ll be covering the wide range of points in this article, aimed at well-intentioned, good men that are looking to understand this phenomenon and become a more attractive and successful man with women. In this one article, you’ll learn all this:

  • What it is that makes these jerks attractive, and how to utilize these “dark” qualities in a positive way.
  • The real, hard truth why some women seem to “put up with him” even though you think these women could do much better.
  • Why you should typically run in the opposite direction when you see these kinds of women.
  • Politically incorrect reasons why these aren’t the droids women you’re looking for.
  • The few times when you should chill out and give certain girls a break that are often around losers.
  • The real reason these jerks are dating your women and what to do about it.

The views expressed herein refer to a very specific kind of man and women; they in no way encourage sexist views towards either gender. The stances I’m about to take are to emphasize my point, and don’t necessarily reflect my everyday views of the general population. I’m going to speak as everyday friends do about this, not in a academic or “proper” fashion. If you’ve read my other articles, it’s obvious I love women as equals – simply wishing the best for everybody on their journey.

This following article may seem a bit… harsh. That’s because, well,  it is. It’s not called “why jerks are assholes to women” (even though you can invert the points in this article and have a good idea), nor is it called “how we can all hold hands and become in touch with our oneness”. No. This is to bring awareness on this one dynamic out of many.

Sometimes we all need a good kick in the ass. There’s so much crap and foo-foo nonsense around this particular topic, and I’m taking off the kiddie gloves to bluntly call it how I see it. It’s a lengthy article, but will completely address this issue in a NO BS way, yet also more wholesome than I have yet to find written anywhere else.

Without any further ado, let’s get right to it!

What Makes Assholes Attractive

One of the biggest mysteries to good men (and women) around the world, is why such a “wonderful” woman could be into such a “horrible” guy. Have you ever seen one of your female friends, a celebrity, or even a girl you like – engage in tremendous drama and then complain about the guys she dates… yet does nothing about it? It appears these men do everything that this woman says she hates, and nothing that she says she wishes her man would do… but yet, they somehow manage to get with her while those men who seem fit her “claimed ideal” perfectly, get cast off to the side.

Think about the last time you saw that and all those feelings that came up… imagining that feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach that bears little resemblance to pity, and more to that of a clusterfuck of jealousy, confusion, abhorrence, and despair. How the insanity of the situation you try in vain to rationalize… that screams inside your head whenever you think about it… causes you to practically pull your hair out in frustration. If you’re anything that resembles a decent human – you know this feeling very well, I’m sure.

So WHAT THE FUCK is going on here?!

There’s so much more to attraction that I could get into in one single article, but let’s just first take a look at some qualities women with high self-esteem find attractive. They are expressed in a man who is:

  • confident
  • assertive
  • a leader
  • in control
  • an evoker of positive emotions
  • dominant
  • untamable (his own person)
  • independent

Unfortunately, chances are the jerks & assholes don’t actually have these qualities. Most of them display the dark, immature, extreme, boyish side of these traits. Which are demonstrated in a man who is (matched to previous list):

  • arrogant
  • agressive
  • selfish
  • controlling
  • a pimp of emotions on a negative/positive, drug-like, roller coaster
  • domineering
  • lost or doesn’t really know who he is
  • co-dependent

Most “nice guys” lack almost all of these from both lists, and a majority of men in general lack a few or display a mix between the two lists. The first list contains such basic and fundamental traits a masculine man should have (but often don’t), that many women grab onto any man who just might. What usually happens is these women experience such a lack of genuine masculine traits in their day-to-day lives, that when they see such a showing off of them by a “jerk”, it excites them.

In feminine women, with regards to masculine men:

  • Masculine qualities excite (sexual attraction).
  • Neutral traits evoke nothing (let’s just be friends).
  • Feminine traits sexually repulse (you might as well be gay).

Note: these traits include mental, emotional, and physical. Knowing this alone, you can identify why the same woman can be attracted to both a huge, muscly man AND a skinny guy – masculine traits can manifest themselves in various ways, and all are desirable to develop within you. These masculine flavored qualities in a man are what women find sexy. No masculine qualities, no sexiness.

Masculine qualities excite, neutral traits do nothing, & feminine traits sexually repulse.

For example: let’s take the quality of strength. Strength can be portrayed in many ways, and one obvious manifestation is muscles on a man’s body. These muscles symbolize physical strength. Likewise, a man who can withstand emotional trauma or stress and remain steadfast through tough situations, is manifested from emotional and mental strength. All 3 are attractive to women, and you should leverage your strengths and minimize your own personal weakness – but ideally you would want a healthy balance.

People, especially women, notice when somebody’s trying to compensate. I’m sure you’ve seen this lack of balance play out all around you. The classic example of this, is how men with little mental or emotional strength seek obsessive body building or steroids to compensate. This is just as true with men whom are physically weak, who compensate by über elitist intellectual development – neither of which are healthy.

This. Is. Money.

Review this section 10x a day if you must to get it to sink in! This is such an important realization because most nice guys simply default to the neutral & feminine behaviors, while exhibiting almost zero masculine qualities. That’s often the lone difference between creating immediate attraction… and not.

Nice guys hide and apologize for being men, while jerks over-do masculine traits into the dark side, and emphasize the physical components of them (since that’s most observable at first glance). Neither are really good, but the later is going to see more “results” with women upfront than the former, simply because any masculine flavored behaviors is preferred to not.

Make sense?

It’s really that simple. Jerks, in one way or another, excite women. They ignite (part of) their femininity …at least dramatically more so than neutered nice guys do. To some women, it can be worth the drama and headache of these guys’ negative traits, and thus they stay in negative relationships. To others with a bit more self-respect, it’s not worth it – and they simply may use the jerk/asshole for their excitement fix for a night or two of wild sex. This plays out highest in none other that adultery, where a woman is bored to tears by her husband, and seeks excitement and lust with another man – who is usually of less caliber than the “nice guy” she’s stuck with married t0.

Jerks, in one way or another, excite women. They ignite (part of) their femininity…

To clarify any confusion, there’s a difference between a “nice guy” and a “good guy”. Nice implies non-thratening, innocent, harmless, lack of sexual or attraction skills, etc. Whereas good simply means that he’s a good person – loves all people regardless of age, race, or gender, volunteers, hugs not drugs, etc/whatever/fill-in-the-blank of what you consider a generally good human being. The first, by definition, lacks attractive sexual masculinity and the second doesn’t imply it either way.

So if you consider yourself a typical “nice guy”, it’s time to congruently reform while keeping your morals and dignity, and simply become a good masculine man. You don’t have to stop being a nice person, you just have to stop being a balls-less, spineless, nice guy.

If you’re wondering what kind of masculine qualities and skills a real man must have in order to satisfy the feminine desires of a woman, in and out of bed (without being a jerk), you absolutely must check out this article now. A real man – a polyman – can excite a woman and ignite her femininity with his true masculinity in the kind of incredible ways a macho jerk could never come close to touching. It’s more work by far to become this kind of man than it is for most guys to just act like a jerk – but oh my God do the fruits of such labour bring the kind of riches most men will never see or be able to conceive.

Why Some Women Continue To Date Losers

If you see a woman dating one of these guys, chances are everyone else with a healthy attitude outside of the relationship will see that the asshole/jerk is actually demonstrating these immature and unhealthy versions of otherwise positive masculine traits. Women inside these relationships – who don’t have their act together, have major emotional or esteem issues, or are immature and/or inexperienced – are the ones most likely unable to differentiate between the light and dark sides of these traits. On the other hand, women who are more mature and experienced, with high-self esteem, and feminine confidence, can spot this childish behavior miles away and won’t usually tolerate it.

If the behavior doesn’t show it’s ugly head until later in the relationship, it logically gets harder to end, since there’s habit, history, attachments, dependencies, expectations, and comfort built up. Yes, comfort. So many people are more comfortable in their misery, than they are stepping beyond their comfort zone and standing up for what they deserve. The pain and abuse is familiar - which to many, is easier to face than change.

Now for the defense of assholes and jerks everywhere, it’s important to know that these character extremes are often unconscious compensations for a lack of something else (and I don’t necessarily mean down there). People aren’t born this way – they adopt these traits in order to best adapt to their lives’ experiences. That being said, we can see these guys are only doing this because that’s all they know and it has provided them with results.

Have some compassion, bro – chances are they need it. Jealousy or disdain does neither of you good, and who knows… maybe they simply need somebody like you to show them the light.

At the same time, women (and men) should never try and CHANGE or SAVE them – it’s not anybody else’s job except theirs. This is another reason good women tend to continue dating “damaged” men – hoping their love, compassion, and influence will magically “save” the dark soul. Yes, a beautiful archetype that goes back to the beginnings of time that has grossed billions… but in this case, it’s the most inefficient relationship route imaginable.

Women To Avoid

If you hear a woman complain that she can only find losers and jerks, that all the guys she’s been with have cheated on her, that she hates drama, men are pigs, or any other negative bitter view of relationships and men – stay away – no, run like hell in the opposite direction. You’re not going to change her opinion by being the “knight in shining armor”, trying to show her “how good guys really are” and how “different and will treat her better”. This is no different than the woman trying to save a broken, damaged man in the above paragraph.

Get over her. She’s not for you, and according to her history, you’re obviously not what she’s attracted to right now anyway.

Stop being that guy that needs to prove to women that men are good (because most of us actually are), and work on your need to seek approval or irrational quest to save “that one, special woman”. Instead of trying to convince her into a view she’s resisting – move on and look for women who are ALREADY confident, feminine, happy, enjoying their life, show a pattern of good men in their life, are kind to others and talk positively, love their fathers, talk favorably of themselves, desire from want instead of need, and are highly selective (funny how that’s really similar to what they want to see in you as well, isn’t it?).

How do you know if she’s the kind of girl who attracts abusive guys?

So don’t listen to her words – listen and observe her patterns.

Well nobody’s going to say “I crave getting treated like dirt”…but we all have seen how actions speak louder than words. So don’t listen to her words – listen and observe her patterns. These will give a much more accurate reflection of what kind of men she brings into her life compared to what she says.

What kind of relationships has she recently been having? How have her dates been? Are they mostly good guys, with a random jerk here and there? Or are they mostly losers that she keeps attracting, oblivious to the quality men undoubtably surrounding her? Since her unconscious beliefs are influencing her interpretation of her experiences, she will mostly continue attracting things into her life that reinforce them – not disprove them.

Notice I keep saying “she attracts”.

Not, “the poor victim that has bad luck at finding guys”.

Not, “the powerless girl that guys take advantage of”.

No.

I’m not talking about physically attracting with her beauty or being attractive in sexy clothes either – but by her thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. She’s attracting (just like you are) people and experiences into her life that match her beliefs and emotions, whether it’s on purpose or (often) by unconscious default. Feeling sorry for anybody, defending their unhappiness, or pacifying them that “the big bad world’s to blame” – isn’t going to do any substantial good. The truth is, it’s actually only reenforcing a belief and vibration that is counter-productive to their best intentions.

That helpless girl you see as a poor victim in a stream of unfortunate relationships and feel sorry for? Well, I see a woman of courage, choice, unlimited potential, and deliberate creation, waiting to be awoken. At anytime she decides to, she has the capability to begin transforming her relationships and create the love she truly deserves. Sorry, but I refuse to play politically correct and see somebody for who they and others think they are, instead of the true incredible person I know is inside.

Also, if you tend to be attracting these women, take a look at what kind of vibe and thought patterns you’re giving out. If you’re honest with yourself, what you find may surprise you. This might be some tough love, but it’s time people face their demons if they want to truly create a better life. Nobody’s ever a victim, and nobody’s ever to blame. It’s simply a series of decisions. All relationships take two participants, and thus each person is 100% responsible.

Don’t ever let other’s fears dictate your happiness.

We all attract what we’re unconsciously focused upon. That’s why women stay in abusive relationships and keep attracting the guys they don’t want… saying what you don’t want is only going to bring more of it to you, so focus on what you DO want. Even though she probably doesn’t know this, it’s still happening regardless of awareness – so the cycle continues on and on until something major happens, and she decides to do anything about it… or it continues forever.

This is why it’s called a pattern.

So, if you’re a pretty high-status, confident, experienced man with his shit together – chances are the women you see dating these kinda of guys aren’t even the quality of women you want anyway.

Do you shun these women or say bad things about them? Of course not, that’s just more asshole behavior. We are all humans in this world together and should love and respect on that level. At the same time, when choosing a mate you want to spend huge amounts of time, energy, and intimacy with – you deserve what you want. You deserve the best of the best, so don’t ever settle for what less you expect out of somebody else. Not only for you, but they would also be settling for somebody who settles (you).

Remember that society tries to guilt you into feeling bad for damning and expecting exactly what you want because, well, most of society settles. Politically correct? Hell no. Don’t ever let other’s fears dictate your happiness.

It’s all lose-lose in that case.

Why These Aren’t Relationship-Ready Women

What makes this type of woman, who has a pattern of dating these kind of guys, not good relationship material? As beautiful, wonderful, and worthy as I’m sure these girls are – there’s some red flags you must look out for when selecting your ideal mate. Following the same set of negative attributes as in the beginning, let’s see their similar counterpart in a woman who is:

  • low-self esteem
  • passive
  • a giver without self-respect or boundaries
  • manipulative
  • addicted to emotional rushes (gotta get her emotional fix [actual chemicals in the brain] either positive or negative)
  • a pushover or doesn’t stand up for herself
  • stuck with a “Save Him Syndrome”-based modus-operandi
  • co-dependant

Fascinating, isn’t it? It’s a safe bet that if a woman continues to date this asshole/jerk for any extended period of time, she has an assortment of traits to match those in her man. Next time you see this dynamic, take a deep, hard look. Study some psychology if you have to – I did. It can provide a great insight on what to look for (or avoid) in your next girlfriend, or to help in bitch-slapping a love-blinded buddy.

While I’m keeping this article simple, know that these traits are not gender specific by any stretch.

Think about it: if you’re a happy, confident man and you’re with a girl who shuns all compliments to her, is unable to ever be happy around you, won’t have sex unless it’s pitch-dark under the covers, etc… how annoying does that get real quick? Or how about when she manipulates everything you say to mean something totally different in order to reinforce her low self-worth, leading to causing a fight that temporarily satisfies her emotional fix.

It’s a safe bet that you’re likely to end that relationship relatively quickly… unless there’s a counterpart to these negative behaviors inside of you that matches perfectly to hers. Often times you may not even bet aware of it until the relationship develops. So check it, it’s the same thing with women and jerks: she’s going to allow the relationship to continue with a guy that is emotionally, mentally, or even physically abusive to her if it’s filling a need that one (or many) of her immature traits feed on.

Give The Girl Some Slack

I know this article may seem pretty harsh, but the reality is that sugar-coating this particular topic to make sure nobody’s feelings get hurt is the reason why such unhappiness and suffering perpetuates. This isn’t a therapy session; it’s an explanation of why this particular thing happens, which inherently isn’t even a happy topic to begin with.

That being said, there’s a time in most girls’ lives where you gotta give them some slack – and that time, is youth. As stated earlier, sometimes it’s simply a matter of experience and age that contributes to both men and women in this situation, even if I’ve been focusing on the more deeper and core issues at hand in this article.

Chances are she’s just wanting to have fun, and the few guys that age who can provide that for her are said assholes.

You’ll often see this dynamic in the college-age/party maturity crowd – that’s okay, and somewhat expected. People are still growing and learning who they are and what they want for themselves – and in significant others. Girls with a good head on their shoulders quickly outgrow the dating assholes/jerks stage (some altogether skip it), and become women that are attracted to the first list, rather than the second.

So just because an 18 year old girl is dating a douche bag, doesn’t mean she’s fucked up in the head, okay?

Give her a break… what did you expect?

Chances are she’s just wanting to have fun, and the few guys that age who can provide that for her are said assholes. Nobody can really blame her – this is how she learns what she does and doesn’t want. This is how we all grow. It’s rare to find, girl or boy, at such a young age with their life genuinely together – so girls are simply taking what’s available. Check back in about 8 years, and see what her last few relationships were like – that’ll be your indicator. If that trend has continued or increased, that’s a sign it’s probably something deeper that just lack of quality men in the party scene.

Also, give the young bucks a break too. I know I put a lot of responsibility on us men, but most guys are also confused as hell on what to do as well. The teens and twenties are a coming-of-age time for all of us, and realizing that nobody’s ever finished growing, will help ease any negative feelings towards this entire relationship dynamic. This will allow both men and women to date in a positive and mutual beneficial way.

This brings me to the real purpose of this article. I first wanted to give a foundation of what women find attractive in these guys that most “nice guys” don’t tend to demonstrate. I also wanted to point out why these relationships tend to continue beyond a healthy point. Finally, now that we got the age/immaturity/chill-the-hell-out thing down, as well as the qualifications and standards we should expect out of ourselves and the women we date… we can get to the real reason why good, decent women, tend to date jerks and assholes.

The Real Reason

Congratulations! You now have a better understanding than 99% of the population on why women with issues… are attracted to men with issues. Yay. Great, now that your thirst for understanding has been satiated, leave this topic to rot in hell. Unsubscribe from that nonsense, because you don’t want any of those issues. You don’t want to spend any time, effort, or attention with that vibration, let alone try to solve it. It’ll only frustrate you and bring you down – so start to focus on why high quality women date high quality men instead. That’ll be a much more productive use of your time and energy.

With all that being said, why aren’t good men getting dates with good women?

Why, even after actually knowing all of this, do some women still date assholes?

The answer for me, came in the form of a very short story:

A few years ago, I heard a story my friend was telling about the exact same enigma. He was telling me how his friend was talking to a high-quality, confident, female friend about male/female dynamics and relationships. They got to talking about this particular topic, and as my friend began getting more frustrated with the whole issue, he straight out asked her:

“Why the hell do women date assholes?!”

With almost as much almost hidden despair, she shot back quite simply:

“Because they ask.”

Upon hearing that, my eyes expanded to the size of tea cups, my mind exploded a thousand different ways, proceeded to implode back on itself, and about 7 different idea lightbulbs lit up in a giant “a-ha!” moment, as Buddha, Jesus, and Abe Lincoln popped champagne and made it rain bubbly on Vegas strippers in my room.

Because. They. Ask.

That’s it. These dudes get the girls because the nice guys are too afraid or polite to ask, and jerks tend to make their moves first and aggressively (albeit usually without any skill or tact). Whatever it is, they’re around women and they make their intentions obvious. It IS said you lose 100% of the fights you never show up to, and that simply showing up is half the battle.

And apparently it’s true.

With no other options, a lot of women end up with sub-par men simply by default. Again, these may not all be the kind of women you want anyway, but I assure you all desirable women have been, are, or will be subjected to this position. Women are just as baffled at this phenomena as you are.

I’m amazed at how many women settle for sub-par relationships. I’m baffled at how many beautiful women are on dating websites (and how they still remain unsuccessful). I’m perplexed on how so many single people are out there, not dating when they want to. Sure, there are a billion factors that play into it, but the fact remains that I believe you are a much better candidate for any girl than the jackass pictured at the top of this article flipping you off.

So, gentlemen:

Thousands of pretty girls are staying home tonight, wondering what’s wrong with them… only because all the guys they meet are too afraid to ask them out. Your fear of rejection is the reality of rejection to the women you never ask.

Man up.


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79 Comments on “Why Women Date Jerks & Assholes Instead Of Nice Guys”

You can track this conversation through its atom feed.

  1. Carol Conway-Long says:

    You're kidding, right, Polyman?

    1. Carol Conway-Long says:

      Oh, the Polyman is insane. Literally.

    2. Drew Gerald says:

      Would you care to explain why you think I'm kidding and insane? I could better answer your question if I had any context for your statements.

  2. Carol Conway-Long says:

    Nope.

  3. Marco Stasi says:

    “Why the hell do women date assholes?!”
    With almost as much almost hidden despair, she shot back quite simply:
    “Because they ask.”

    1. George W. Serbia says:

      Which is the only part of an otherwise excellent article that I do not buy. Back when I was a young man, I used to go months at a stretch, getting blown off by women, often dozens of times in a row. For me, getting dates happened about as often as comet sightings. Of course, I had nothing at the time that women are attracted to. I was skinny and ugly, lacked money, power and status, and of course I was not an a**hole. It was only after getting a lucrative and powerful career gig In my mid 20s that I was able to reverse this. As it is, I am not surprised that this is the only part of the article that is not believable, since the remark was apparently made by a chick. Otherwise, another great article Drew. Keep them coming

    2. Drew Gerald says:

      Thank you! We all have our own experiences, however I've found that most men DON'T ask – or at least don't ask congruently. "Let's go out on a date" is "asking" where "let's hangout and maybe do a project together" is not. Mostly though, it's because they don't "show up" and move past the fear to ask despite rejection or fear of offending them. You my good man, may have been the exception to this.

  4. Anastasia Garkusha says:

    Cool. I like this.

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

  5. Kristen says:

    Whoohoo! Great article! I stumbled upon it by accident, but I’m glad I stuck around to read it :-) Very true, but I did want to bring up one point that I think you were getting into a little — I’ve also seen friends who have refused to date assholes at one point go back to them because they are so lonely. They know that it’s not healthy, but they’d rather have some intimacy than no intimacy, or some feelings of attractiveness than no feelings of attractiveness.

    On a personal note (and because I’m half asleep and don’t know if I can get my point across without going the easy route) before I got married to my husband, an ex came back into my picture and I briefly broke things off with him (then boyfriend). I genuinely loved Gary (and still do, obviously!) but Jason exuded a dominant appeal. He made me feel feminine, and excited, and didn’t make me feel like I needed to take charge. I’m a fairly strong woman, but I do not like to be in charge in my relationships. Every few weeks, this becomes obvious, and Gary now steps up and asserts his dominance :-) The only thing that eventually saved our relationship was reading The Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage over at the Making Her Happy website because it spelled out male and female psychology and what to do.

    Wow, I really am very tired lol. I’ll quit babbling now :-)

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      That’s true, but that says more about the women willing to settle instead of the men. Awesome stuff, thanks for sharing your experience! This is proof that women want a man to step up and lead, or else another man that can fulfill this will likely come into the picture. It has nothing to do with the women’s ethics, but everything to do with the man not doing his job. I can also recommend your man read “The Way of The Superior Man” (and also my upcoming book on sex of course ;))

  6. Kristen says:

    Lol I’ll have to google the book. I don’t suppose you have an email list instead of just the subscribe to rss?

  7. Gerald says:

    Much appreciation for the time you put into this writeup; I have read countless similar articles over the past few years, and yours covers the topic comprehensively & succinctly.

    Having gradually crossed over from the passive side of male-existence, I now see exponentially more than I would’ve had I only experienced one side of the equation.

    A gift is only a gift had one not possessed it before – I postulate that men who are naturally gifted with women are less able to harness their prowess UNLESS they understand what it’s like to be pathetic.

    My attitude change allows me to appreciate this article more so than the average reader – please churn out more greatness!

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      You’re welcome! I’m glad you’re able to appreciate what I wrote, it seems many people are too quick to judge the content and not see the bigger picture of what I’m trying to communicate. Glad to hear you’ve also made that transition over, it’s all about awareness, isn’t it?

  8. Why do women date assholes? - thingswomenwant.com — thingswomenwant.com says:

    […] Gerald of The Polyman would concur on much of what Falzone has to say. In his blog post, he hates on the obnoxious bros […]

  9. Chris Earnshaw says:

    I just read your article Drew. From the experiences I've had in my life I conclude that you are basically spot on. I regard myself as a nice guy, well mannered, and have been called a gentleman countless times. I"m not perfect and have faltered many times as well. I have also learned from them, and will continue to learn from those mistakes. I, on the other hand, have chosen to remain single because of priorities that must first be addressed. I've had my successes with women and my daunting failures. I agree with you when I say that I have seen these "patterns" and have kept my distance. Just a choice. I have a mix, as you note, "most men have a mix." I have asked women out on dates, ones that are comfortable and can see that I'm not that type of jerk/asshole. 95% of the time it's a resounding "no." After a good while of this, I stepped away from the dating scene. I just got tired of it. For a long time now I have been doing what I want to do, have to do, in my life. I have grown from for the better and not for the worse as women still point out that I have confidence, but not an overwhelming amount of it of course; that I have a good head on my shoulders. I agree with you that most women like keeping the nice guy as the friend because those relationships last longer. I have no problem with this fact. I have always been respectful toward women in any encounter, and have always noticed that the majority, at my age level, are not "use to" this level of mannerism. Very few I have come across that appreciate it and accept it. I haven't given up yet, and more than likely I won't. This is just a rambling I guess. I just wanted to thank you for the insightful article, and having a logical, real world sense that made it come alive. Thanks again.

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      You're welcome, thanks for sharing your experience Chris. I highly recommend reading The Way of the Superior Man. It can get a bit spiritual, but the articulation of masculine and feminine, and how to deal with woman and like you said, your purpose and priorities first. Just be careful not to lie to yourself. We often rationalize things, so as long as you really are on your purpose and not interested in dating that's fine, but if it's just a justification of why you're not really getting what you want, that should be looked at. I can't say either way, it's up to you to see your own truth. I've spent over 7 years working on my dating skills and personality skills, so it can be done my friend! It's nothing you're born with or have to die with, you can change your success, and it sounds like you're on the right track!

    2. Drew Gerald says:

      You're welcome, thanks for sharing your experience Chris. I highly recommend reading The Way of the Superior Man. It can get a bit spiritual, but the articulation of masculine and feminine, and how to deal with woman and like you said, your purpose and priorities first. Just be careful not to lie to yourself. We often rationalize things, so as long as you really are on your purpose and not interested in dating that's fine, but if it's just a justification of why you're not really getting what you want, that should be looked at. I can't say either way, it's up to you to see your own truth. I've spent over 7 years working on my dating skills and personality skills, so it can be done my friend! It's nothing you're born with or have to die with, you can change your success, and it sounds like you're on the right track!

  10. Vanessa Cork says:

    Excellent article Thanks for sharing I found this at just right the time I think your insights are spot on!

    1. Vanessa Cork says:

      See Betty Blatsos I learnt something :)

    2. Drew Gerald says:

      Awesome, thank you – glad it could help!

  11. Tom Geba says:

    good article bro, both the content and your intriguing writing style!

    1. Rhiannon Bertinshaw says:

      Hahaha that's great! Love the no nonsense explanations.

    2. Drew Gerald says:

      Thanks bro, glad you enjoyed it. Wasn't aware I even had an intriguing writing style, so that's double awesome.

  12. Sudwipta Misra says:

    thank u…..its little hard for me to understand fully coz of all the psychological stuff and your very good english… but it has given me some knowledge abt women. By the way I hav become more afraid coz of the complexities of women mind.. but I think this is coz my low esteem mind is plying trick with me.. I will surely apply it…TY very much.

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  14. Kurshot Akyuz says:

    Drew hit on the head; you can't make a sale unless you ask for the order. Many things in life are really that simple, it's ourselves that get in the way. Great read!

  15. Kurshot Akyuz says:

    Drew hit on the head; you can't make a sale unless you ask for the order. Many things in life are really that simple, it's ourselves that get in the way. Great read!

    1. Melissa Fucyeah Amiott says:

      Very interesting read. Looks like ive got some work to do. Cheers for this

  16. Matthew Grundman says:

    great article…. really funny too! laughed my ass off at the "jackass pictured at the top of this article flip­ping you off" I didn't realize he was flipping me off.. but he is.

    1. Matthew Grundman says:

      also why are they wearing hats in the pool. #spoiledBrim

  17. Matthew Grundman says:

    great article…. really funny too! laughed my ass off at the "jackass pictured at the top of this article flip­ping you off" I didn't realize he was flipping me off.. but he is.

  18. Matthew Grundman says:

    great article…. really funny too! laughed my ass off at the "jackass pictured at the top of this article flip­ping you off" I didn't realize he was flipping me off.. but he is.

  19. Matthew Grundman says:

    great article…. really funny too! laughed my ass off at the "jackass pictured at the top of this article flip­ping you off" I didn't realize he was flipping me off.. but he is.

  20. George W. Serbia says:

    I'm not baffled as to why women end up with jerks, seemingly by default. Because the flipside of them hooking up with a**holes and jerks, is that they blow off the good ones. So this explains why so many of them cannot find the good ones that they say they want. They get tired of the jerks, but since they will not give the good guys a shot, it is a lose-lose. Except, of course, for the asshole, who gets what he wants. But the point to emphasize is that none of this happens by accident. Regardless of what women are, or are not attracted to, they still makes conscious decision to hook up with assholes. They bear the majority of the responsibility for this conundrum

    1. Gar Zilla says:

      Pretty funny George.

  21. Boys to Men: Notes on The Seduction Community, Modern Manhood, and the Spiritual Path | Chakra Center says:

    […] recently discovered this article by Drew Gerald on the age old “why girls like jerks” question. In it he […]

  22. Pedro Gregorio says:

    One of the best relationship articles I've ever read.

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      Thank you! What did you like most?

  23. 10 Little Known Sex Tips Every Better Lover Ought to Know | The Polyman says:

    […] let’s talk about being dominant and in control. This one of the secret, positive qualities of the “bad boy” and “jerks” that women just can’t help but to get addicted to. Unfortunately, it often comes with the bad […]

  24. Jonas Särkkä says:

    I think this monologue given in the link sums up most of what you said quite neatly.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXrLDDrvoI4

  25. Edin Abdulahi Boss says:

    I started the path you are on not recently but not long time ago either…of being the best as I could be…finding all that you can about women what they want their way of thinking….and this article points out the key things about it….. althou I haven't yet mastered that a bit arogant, agressive aproach -"move past the fear to ask despite rejection or fear of offending them." Because I have been raised with such values and now this knowlidge you recieve makes you must eradicate them and its causing that inner conflict…… The article is the simpliest explanation and spot on – PERFECT….the same thing that keep poping out in my mind of that may be so but didn't want to believe it trully that that's how things are….but since you confirmed it – the stuff I already knew….. No there is no doubt in my mind….. there is only a clear picture of what I want and must become…thank you.

    1. Drew Gerald says:

      Awesome. It's good to adopt new beliefs that empower you, rather than get you worse results and keep you in fear. Selecting the right mate and understanding how masculinity and felinity dance together is fundamental to mastering relationships. I talk about this extensively in my upcoming book actually, I think you'll love it! Thanks for comment, and be sure to check out other articles I've got, they're all in line with your idea of being the best you can be.

  26. Nguyễn Trung says:

    bookmark =))

  27. Natasha Wells says:

    ok, so here's the problem, so many of these "Nice guys" are still just men looking for that "perfect" woman. Even "Nice guys" can be shallow as all hell. you can see from my photo that I am not ugly. I may not be traditionally beautiful, but I have been often enough that I have a lovely face to go along with my bubbly personality, yet I have been single for years (the first few by choice, the rest….). But even "Nice guys" cant seem to look past my weight. I'm not even that big, but thanks to poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and undiagnosed Coeliac, I am more….shall be politically correct and say curvy…..than some. I'm also not your typical woman. I'm that woman that doesn't understand other women. I don't understand the constant need for drama, the possessiveness, the nagging! I'm fairly easy going (i have my days like anyone else), I'm cheerful, bubbly, but not over the top. I'm very well spoken and intelligent. I ***want**** to be a wife and a mother, and have been told by many that I would make a great wife, and a brilliant Mother (mostly due to the fact that I look after children). What men really need to learn is that your typical "pretty" girl, may not always have the traits that a REAL man needs in a woman, and that if he looks past the physical, he may just find what he needs in a curvy woman. Weight can always be lost, or gained, but if they want something that is going to last, if they ant to be loved and treasured and appreciated, then stop going for these little girls playing house. To them it's just a game. There are plenty of good, real, women out there, we are just cut from a different cloth, lets say velvet instead of Challis :)

  28. Natasha Wells says:

    ok, so here's the problem, so many of these "Nice guys" are still just men looking for that "perfect" woman. Even "Nice guys" can be shallow as all hell. you can see from my photo that I am not ugly. I may not be traditionally beautiful, but I have been often enough that I have a lovely face to go along with my bubbly personality, yet I have been single for years (the first few by choice, the rest….). But even "Nice guys" cant seem to look past my weight. I'm not even that big, but thanks to poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and undiagnosed Coeliac, I am more….shall be politically correct and say curvy…..than some. I'm also not your typical woman. I'm that woman that doesn't understand other women. I don't understand the constant need for drama, the possessiveness, the nagging! I'm fairly easy going (i have my days like anyone else), I'm cheerful, bubbly, but not over the top. I'm very well spoken and intelligent. I ***want**** to be a wife and a mother, and have been told by many that I would make a great wife, and a brilliant Mother (mostly due to the fact that I look after children). What men really need to learn is that your typical "pretty" girl, may not always have the traits that a REAL man needs in a woman, and that if he looks past the physical, he may just find what he needs in a curvy woman. Weight can always be lost, or gained, but if they want something that is going to last, if they ant to be loved and treasured and appreciated, then stop going for these little girls playing house. To them it's just a game. There are plenty of good, real, women out there, we are just cut from a different cloth, lets say velvet instead of Challis :)

  29. Lee McDogs Ashbourne says:

    You just need to move to the UK ;-)

  30. Natasha Wells says:

    lol, hey, if i COULD, i would. I'll get myself an English stud muffin and have adorable children with amazing accents hahaha. Teach them to say "chuffed" all the time to make their Mummy smile :P

  31. Karen Amor says:

    Hang in there, I know everybody probably says it and you've heard this thousands of times but you'll get what you deserve!! You are a wonderful person and anybody would be so lucky to be with you and you do deserve the very best! I thought like you along the way as well, as do most women at some point, but you really truly do have to hang in there. As someone once said, sometimes you need to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to your prince!

  32. Natasha Wells says:

    Kai Lynk , interesting article!! and thanks Karen Amor, im sending you and your little angel big hugs :D

  33. Drew Gerald says:

    Thanks for the comment, you're totally right – often times "nice guys" are just as shallow and selfish as the jerks, they're just less upfront about it. The only real hope we have is to keep becoming the best that we can be, since we can't change anybody else. Hopefully you'll find some other articles I wrote here than can help with that!

  34. Natasha Wells says:

    I've been reading a few of them, and i like what you have to say. you are very wise for such a young man, this sort of wisdom doesn't usually come until old age hahaha. <3 thanks for being awesome :P

  35. Jason Williams says:

    Ok so answer this one…..what about all the times the good guy has asked and they keep getting shot down? So the logic of "Because they ask" is bullshit. The reality is that good guys will never win because women are retarded, and will only EVER date the asshole because they are conditioned to. The number of times I've asked and been told no or my favorite one was "I'm pining for someone". Basically, if you touch an electric current enough and get shocked enough, you stop doing it. This is the same with rejection. You keep trying and trying and getting rejected, you eventually just stop. Get the analogy?

  36. Drew Gerald says:

    I do get it, and have fully been through that pain many times for many years. My friend, don't get caught up on that one line that may not apply to you in an article full of gold. If you allow me to also point out, that your reply is full of anger, bitterness, and resentment towards women, which is natural given such rejection. It wasn't until I let go of all those things myself that I started to attract higher quality, happy, loving, beautiful women into my life. Low self esteem women will continue after the bad boys, but high self esteem feminine women still want men who have these polarizing masculine traits. It's not the "good guys", it's the wimpy nice guys. Women WANT a great, good, man, but often don't feel like they deserve one, thus settle. However, they also want one that lights them up and creates sexual fireworks with, which is never the case with "nice guys". I hope helps! I feel your frustration man, I was there for half my life. You can change it without sacrificing your morals, but you'll have to release a lot of negative emotions and beliefs that aren't serving you any longer.

  37. Melanie Ruth DeSouto says:

    What an interesting,real perspective. Just because a woman is assertive, doesn't mean she always wants to be. The statement "Because they ask" is very true.

  38. Maisie Sarita Rose says:

    What a great article!

  39. Sabrina Clerie-Ayoub says:

    This was a really great article and the last point I think was very true.
    Most times 10 "assholes" will approach me before 1 "good" guy does.. Not realizing that he is the one I would of wanted to talk to.. The others, I will brush off.. And then end up alone
    Btw alone and lonely are not the same thing :)

  40. Diana Kretzschmar says:

    Probably THE BEST article I read on this topic!! Absolutely love the non-sugar-coating, non-bs way you explained it.
    The first list absolutely nailed it and also what you said about "excite, do nothing and might as well be gay" and that nice Guy is NOT to be yo confused with good Guy!!
    Only thing I might disagree with, is the "because he/they ask". Nope, I don't think that beats list #1, which is what gets your attention or not.
    Anybody else thinks of Paul Walker being a resemblance of List #1? In my eyes, he didn't only convey it, he could back it up too.

  41. Richard Jenna says:

    One mistake, never, EVER ask women any questions about men, because they'll either give you a typical PC answer, or flat out lie to you. There are plenty of nice or good men that ask out the hot girls, but they simply PREFER these asshole jerks regardless of what excuses they give you. Such women pick those jerks because they treat her the way that her FEELINGS and NO self esteem TELL her that this is how she DESERVES to be treated!!

    I've seen it countless times where a woman is with a nicer guy, but he's either "too nice" or treats her too "good" and this actually makes her FEEL uncomfortable.

    Women will do ANYTHING for their feelings or to feel comfortable. Because women don't think, they only FEEL everything, if a man treats a woman too good, she feels guilty, bad or as if she doesn't deserve it and that she now owes him something, thus she will FLEE from the man that treats her well because he makes her feel strange and UNCOMFORTABLE. So she goes BACK to the asshole, jerk, abuser that treats her in a way that MIRRORS how she feels she deserves to be treated.

    To men, this is like discovered the freaking theory of relativity because women are SO ridiculously backwards and complex at the same time. BUT, the REAL problem occurs when women that try and come off as being so PC (AKA LYING) about what they CLAIM to want vs what they REALLY want or go for. To women, lying in order to give an answer that either makes them or someone else look good is PARR for the course. They see nothing wrong with it because women live in a world of "relationships" where LYING and saying what someone wants to hear to make them feel better at the moment is their DEFAULT behavior.

    It NEVER dawns on them how they've been confusing the FUCK out of men for decades now because again,being PC or saying what she thinks someone else wants to hear, needs to hear or will make them feel better is FAAR more important than some ridiculous thing like telling the truth, being accurate or giving right information in order to avoid confusion. Yea, men and women are the same alright.. and the sun is the exact same as the moon.. pathetic!!

    To most women, lying like this comes SO Naturally than it never even DAWNS on them that they're doing anything wrong, and/or they simply don't care at all. So when women give out ridiculous bullshit advice, especially a man's mother, who says that to get a nice pretty girl, just "be nice to her, buy her nice things, tell her how pretty and sweet she is all the time" and other asinine advice like that.. it totally backfires every time.

    Meanwhile, we observe the hottest girls going with the biggest asshole, jerk, abusers, rude, douchbag types over and over again. They whine over them, cry over them, do anything they want to be with these women.. yet men were told via BULLSHIT FEMINISM for 60+ years that men and women were "the exact same".. TOTAL LIE and BULLSHIT!! That's what started the confusion which women then exacerbated and made far worse.

    This is why you NEVER, EVER listen to anything a woman says about why she dates a certain type, how to attract or get a woman, etc.. because all they're going to tell you is what makes HER feel good, what she thinks society wants to hear or what will make her look good based on society and her peers, or what she thinks YOU want to hear, NOT the truth because women are not ABOUT truth, only about what makes others feel good. They THINK they're doing to a service by this, but have little to no clue how much DAMAGE, pain and suffering they're actually causing by increasing the confusion on the subject 100 fold.

    But since women live in an almost perpetual state OF confusion, they see little to nothing wrong about adding that confusion to men do, not knowing that to most men, especially the usually more highly intellectual nice guys.. this is amount to SHEER TORTURE as smart men seek to understand EVERYTHING and to get RID OF ALL CONFUSION in the universe, solve all mysteries and understand.. EVERYTHING, especially a woman.

    In most ways, men and women are as OPPOSITE as can be. Sure there are some crossover traits, about the usual 80/20 split, but where as most men have solving problems, removing confusion, figuring things out, being accurate and amassing knowledge as their PRIMARY function of the psyche, women have being PC, making others feel good with words regardless of whether it's the truth or not, helping, nurturing and presenting a certain IMAGE to others, regardless of it's accuracy or not as their primary function of the psyche.

  42. Sam Lawrence says:

    I think this was a great article. There is one thing I would habe liked to see discussed however: the origin of the "Nice Guy" mentality. Being what I consider a "Recovering Nice-Guy" I am now able to see I think where the pattern adapted from. Society doesn't just pressure men into the jerk-types mentoned above, it also (and in my opinion even more so) pressures men from the time we are able to walk and talk to be quiet, gentle, polite, and most especially CONTROLLABLE. Boys are simply not being taught how to become men, just to become good little choirboys (for lack of a better term) Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with Attention Deficent Disorder than girls on average…why is that? Could it be that we as a society simply don't know (or don't want to know) what to do with naturally energetic boys? Rather than attempt to understand that boys learn different than girls we label them with an attention disorder and medicate them into a stupor all in the name of conformity. I am by no means seeking to make an excuse for the Nice Guys in the world….I simply think it is important to mention not only why jerks become jerks, but why Nice Guys become Nice Guys.

  43. Sam Lawrence says:

    I think this was a great article. There is one thing I would habe liked to see discussed however: the origin of the "Nice Guy" mentality. Being what I consider a "Recovering Nice-Guy" I am now able to see I think where the pattern adapted from. Society doesn't just pressure men into the jerk-types mentoned above, it also (and in my opinion even more so) pressures men from the time we are able to walk and talk to be quiet, gentle, polite, and most especially CONTROLLABLE. Boys are simply not being taught how to become men, just to become good little choirboys (for lack of a better term) Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with Attention Deficent Disorder than girls on average…why is that? Could it be that we as a society simply don't know (or don't want to know) what to do with naturally energetic boys? Rather than attempt to understand that boys learn different than girls we label them with an attention disorder and medicate them into a stupor all in the name of conformity. I am by no means seeking to make an excuse for the Nice Guys in the world….I simply think it is important to mention not only why jerks become jerks, but why Nice Guys become Nice Guys.

  44. Lance Conley says:

    feminism my brother. Feminism. It's destroyed American society more so than any other -ism.

  45. Lance Conley says:

    feminism my brother. Feminism. It's destroyed American society more so than any other -ism.

  46. 4 Lecciones sobre estar (en la cama) con el chico correcto | Tantras Urbanos says:

    […] fue inspirado por el artículo que escribió mi amigo Drew, sobre las mujeres que salen con ” idiotas y chicos malos”. He estado tan fuera de ese ambiente desde hace tanto, que hasta había olvidado que solía estar […]

  47. culinary karma | 4 life lessons in being with the right partner {in bed} says:

    […] this post was inspired by my friend Drew’s article about women dating “jerks and bad guys.”   I have been so out of that realm for quite some time, that I forgot that I actually even used to […]

  48. Liviu Bardel says:

    becouse they are stupid and sluts ?
    i tend to read only the titles.same texts evrywere
    same crap is over and over and over again
    confident. in control ……….bullshit
    why only the men needs to do all the things ?
    do that by that do that by that do that by that.
    what the womens do to have real men.

  49. Vanessa Cork says:

    Time to remind myself of this … Again oh dear

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  57. Tony Trucano says:

    This is the biggest piece of toilet paper article I have ever read. Please flush it.

  58. Ajay Juice says:

    Why do men like big boobed skinny hot girls instead of the nice friendly fat girl? Why cant men feel the niceness of the fat girl and get attracted??? Because being nice has absolutely nothing to do with attraction

  59. Ernesto Huaman says:

    "you are a much better candidate for any girl than the jackass pictured at the top of this article flipping you off." Better? based on what?..on your politically-corrected moral black-and-white worldly bullshit?… attraction has nothing to do with goodness or badness…. Last question: is this article a Loser Manifest?

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