It was about 11 PM on a midsummer’s Friday night in Huntington Beach – a popular beach city in Southern California known for its surf. Waves crashing in the background, almost drowned out by the boom-boom-booms of dance floors; the salty smell of the ocean, flirting with the chemical baths of drugstore cologne and hairspray. An evening when you can plug in and plug out at anytime; it’s the perfect place and time to hit the cover-free bars, food digs, and oceanfront house parties for seemingly any aged adult.
While a generally nice and expensive place to live, places like this can often be known as a breeding ground for “brahs” and their Affliction-wearing, bro-culture embracing, bros that sport SoCal stickers on their rear windshields. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, they often portray the quintessential jerk/asshole that anyone can relate to.
So my friends and I are out ‘n about Main St., and not being huge on the getting “WAAAAASTTEDDD” rage scene, we tend to have enough braincells available to notice what’s going on around us. This night, for whatever reason, “love” was in the air and it seemed as if wherever you looked there were couples. The fascinating part of this was not only that a good portion of the bro-couple guys were coming across as arrogant jerks, but the fact their girlfriends were hot… and not just bro-hoe slutty hot – these girls were gorgeous and nice.
One of our acquaintances that we met up with couldn’t get over the fact that these “douchebags” had these “hot babes” all over them, while there were plenty of “better, nicer men” out that night whom deserve her more (AKA him). Amidst his throwing of a fairness-fit, I attempted to be positive and said we should assume that they were probably actually good guys inside, since we don’t have any idea and shouldn’t be THAT quick to judge.
Almost as if straight out of a movie, the next moment a “bro” proceeded to be a total asshole to his girlfriend and cause a scene right in front of us. All eyeballs immediately darted to me, and I was left as the jackass explaining for the remainder of the night, how on earth women can be attracted to these guys… since it obviously wasn’t because they were secretly soft cuddly stuffed love bears on the inside.
So gentlemen, it’s time once and for all to explain in simple, basic terms, why women date jerks and assholes instead of nice guys. It may seem paradoxical and enigmatic, but once I explain why women are attracted to these guys, and what they do that average nice guys don’t – you’ll see quite clearly what’s elusive to most, in order to solve this puzzle. While this is in no way a complete guide on addictive behaviors, codependency, abuse, or emotional & mental issues – I do hope it serves as a primer illuminating where typical “nice girl/jerk” relationships arise from.
I’ll be covering the wide range of points in this article, aimed at well-intentioned, good men that are looking to understand this phenomenon and become a more attractive and successful man with women. In this one article, you’ll learn all this:
- What it is that makes these jerks attractive, and how to utilize these “dark” qualities in a positive way.
- The real, hard truth why some women seem to “put up with him” even though you think these women could do much better.
- Why you should typically run in the opposite direction when you see these kinds of women.
- Politically incorrect reasons why these aren’t the
droidswomen you’re looking for.
- The few times when you should chill out and give certain girls a break that are often around losers.
- The real reason these jerks are dating your women and what to do about it.
The views expressed herein refer to a very specific kind of man and women; they in no way encourage sexist views towards either gender. The stances I’m about to take are to emphasize my point, and don’t necessarily reflect my everyday views of the general population. I’m going to speak as everyday friends do about this, not in a academic or “proper” fashion. If you’ve read my other articles, it’s obvious I love women as equals – simply wishing the best for everybody on their journey.
This following article may seem a bit… harsh. That’s because, well, it is. It’s not called “why jerks are assholes to women” (even though you can invert the points in this article and have a good idea), nor is it called “how we can all hold hands and become in touch with our oneness”. No. This is to bring awareness on this one dynamic out of many.
Sometimes we all need a good kick in the ass. There’s so much crap and foo-foo nonsense around this particular topic, and I’m taking off the kiddie gloves to bluntly call it how I see it. It’s a lengthy article, but will completely address this issue in a NO BS way, yet also more wholesome than I have yet to find written anywhere else.
Without any further ado, let’s get right to it!
What Makes Assholes Attractive
One of the biggest mysteries to good men (and women) around the world, is why such a “wonderful” woman could be into such a “horrible” guy. Have you ever seen one of your female friends, a celebrity, or even a girl you like – engage in tremendous drama and then complain about the guys she dates… yet does nothing about it? It appears these men do everything that this woman says she hates, and nothing that she says she wishes her man would do… but yet, they somehow manage to get with her while those men who seem fit her “claimed ideal” perfectly, get cast off to the side.
Think about the last time you saw that and all those feelings that came up… imagining that feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach that bears little resemblance to pity, and more to that of a clusterfuck of jealousy, confusion, abhorrence, and despair. How the insanity of the situation you try in vain to rationalize… that screams inside your head whenever you think about it… causes you to practically pull your hair out in frustration. If you’re anything that resembles a decent human – you know this feeling very well, I’m sure.
So WHAT THE FUCK is going on here?!
There’s so much more to attraction that I could get into in one single article, but let’s just first take a look at some qualities women with high self-esteem find attractive. They are expressed in a man who is:
- a leader
- in control
- an evoker of positive emotions
- untamable (his own person)
Unfortunately, chances are the jerks & assholes don’t actually have these qualities. Most of them display the dark, immature, extreme, boyish side of these traits. Which are demonstrated in a man who is (matched to previous list):
- a pimp of emotions on a negative/positive, drug-like, roller coaster
- lost or doesn’t really know who he is
Most “nice guys” lack almost all of these from both lists, and a majority of men in general lack a few or display a mix between the two lists. The first list contains such basic and fundamental traits a masculine man should have (but often don’t), that many women grab onto any man who just might. What usually happens is these women experience such a lack of genuine masculine traits in their day-to-day lives, that when they see such a showing off of them by a “jerk”, it excites them.
In feminine women, with regards to masculine men:
- Masculine qualities excite (sexual attraction).
- Neutral traits evoke nothing (let’s just be friends).
- Feminine traits sexually repulse (you might as well be gay).
Note: these traits include mental, emotional, and physical. Knowing this alone, you can identify why the same woman can be attracted to both a huge, muscly man AND a skinny guy – masculine traits can manifest themselves in various ways, and all are desirable to develop within you. These masculine flavored qualities in a man are what women find sexy. No masculine qualities, no sexiness.
For example: let’s take the quality of strength. Strength can be portrayed in many ways, and one obvious manifestation is muscles on a man’s body. These muscles symbolize physical strength. Likewise, a man who can withstand emotional trauma or stress and remain steadfast through tough situations, is manifested from emotional and mental strength. All 3 are attractive to women, and you should leverage your strengths and minimize your own personal weakness – but ideally you would want a healthy balance.
People, especially women, notice when somebody’s trying to compensate. I’m sure you’ve seen this lack of balance play out all around you. The classic example of this, is how men with little mental or emotional strength seek obsessive body building or steroids to compensate. This is just as true with men whom are physically weak, who compensate by über elitist intellectual development – neither of which are healthy.
This. Is. Money.
Review this section 10x a day if you must to get it to sink in! This is such an important realization because most nice guys simply default to the neutral & feminine behaviors, while exhibiting almost zero masculine qualities. That’s often the lone difference between creating immediate attraction… and not.
Nice guys hide and apologize for being men, while jerks over-do masculine traits into the dark side, and emphasize the physical components of them (since that’s most observable at first glance). Neither are really good, but the later is going to see more “results” with women upfront than the former, simply because any masculine flavored behaviors is preferred to not.
It’s really that simple. Jerks, in one way or another, excite women. They ignite (part of) their femininity …at least dramatically more so than neutered nice guys do. To some women, it can be worth the drama and headache of these guys’ negative traits, and thus they stay in negative relationships. To others with a bit more self-respect, it’s not worth it – and they simply may use the jerk/asshole for their excitement fix for a night or two of wild sex. This plays out highest in none other that adultery, where a woman is bored to tears by her husband, and seeks excitement and lust with another man – who is usually of less caliber than the “nice guy” she’s
stuck with married t0.
To clarify any confusion, there’s a difference between a “nice guy” and a “good guy”. Nice implies non-thratening, innocent, harmless, lack of sexual or attraction skills, etc. Whereas good simply means that he’s a good person – loves all people regardless of age, race, or gender, volunteers, hugs not drugs, etc/whatever/fill-in-the-blank of what you consider a generally good human being. The first, by definition, lacks attractive sexual masculinity and the second doesn’t imply it either way.
So if you consider yourself a typical “nice guy”, it’s time to congruently reform while keeping your morals and dignity, and simply become a good masculine man. You don’t have to stop being a nice person, you just have to stop being a balls-less, spineless, nice guy.
If you’re wondering what kind of masculine qualities and skills a real man must have in order to satisfy the feminine desires of a woman, in and out of bed (without being a jerk), you absolutely must check out this article now. A real man – a polyman – can excite a woman and ignite her femininity with his true masculinity in the kind of incredible ways a macho jerk could never come close to touching. It’s more work by far to become this kind of man than it is for most guys to just act like a jerk – but oh my God do the fruits of such labour bring the kind of riches most men will never see or be able to conceive.
Why Some Women Continue To Date Losers
If you see a woman dating one of these guys, chances are everyone else with a healthy attitude outside of the relationship will see that the asshole/jerk is actually demonstrating these immature and unhealthy versions of otherwise positive masculine traits. Women inside these relationships – who don’t have their act together, have major emotional or esteem issues, or are immature and/or inexperienced – are the ones most likely unable to differentiate between the light and dark sides of these traits. On the other hand, women who are more mature and experienced, with high-self esteem, and feminine confidence, can spot this childish behavior miles away and won’t usually tolerate it.
If the behavior doesn’t show it’s ugly head until later in the relationship, it logically gets harder to end, since there’s habit, history, attachments, dependencies, expectations, and comfort built up. Yes, comfort. So many people are more comfortable in their misery, than they are stepping beyond their comfort zone and standing up for what they deserve. The pain and abuse is familiar - which to many, is easier to face than change.
Now for the defense of assholes and jerks everywhere, it’s important to know that these character extremes are often unconscious compensations for a lack of something else (and I don’t necessarily mean down there). People aren’t born this way – they adopt these traits in order to best adapt to their lives’ experiences. That being said, we can see these guys are only doing this because that’s all they know and it has provided them with results.
Have some compassion, bro – chances are they need it. Jealousy or disdain does neither of you good, and who knows… maybe they simply need somebody like you to show them the light.
At the same time, women (and men) should never try and CHANGE or SAVE them – it’s not anybody else’s job except theirs. This is another reason good women tend to continue dating “damaged” men – hoping their love, compassion, and influence will magically “save” the dark soul. Yes, a beautiful archetype that goes back to the beginnings of time that has grossed billions… but in this case, it’s the most inefficient relationship route imaginable.
Women To Avoid
If you hear a woman complain that she can only find losers and jerks, that all the guys she’s been with have cheated on her, that she hates drama, men are pigs, or any other negative bitter view of relationships and men – stay away – no, run like hell in the opposite direction. You’re not going to change her opinion by being the “knight in shining armor”, trying to show her “how good guys really are” and how “different and will treat her better”. This is no different than the woman trying to save a broken, damaged man in the above paragraph.
Get over her. She’s not for you, and according to her history, you’re obviously not what she’s attracted to right now anyway.
Stop being that guy that needs to prove to women that men are good (because most of us actually are), and work on your need to seek approval or irrational quest to save “that one, special woman”. Instead of trying to convince her into a view she’s resisting – move on and look for women who are ALREADY confident, feminine, happy, enjoying their life, show a pattern of good men in their life, are kind to others and talk positively, love their fathers, talk favorably of themselves, desire from want instead of need, and are highly selective (funny how that’s really similar to what they want to see in you as well, isn’t it?).
How do you know if she’s the kind of girl who attracts abusive guys?
Well nobody’s going to say “I crave getting treated like dirt”…but we all have seen how actions speak louder than words. So don’t listen to her words – listen and observe her patterns. These will give a much more accurate reflection of what kind of men she brings into her life compared to what she says.
What kind of relationships has she recently been having? How have her dates been? Are they mostly good guys, with a random jerk here and there? Or are they mostly losers that she keeps attracting, oblivious to the quality men undoubtably surrounding her? Since her unconscious beliefs are influencing her interpretation of her experiences, she will mostly continue attracting things into her life that reinforce them – not disprove them.
Notice I keep saying “she attracts”.
Not, “the poor victim that has bad luck at finding guys”.
Not, “the powerless girl that guys take advantage of”.
I’m not talking about physically attracting with her beauty or being attractive in sexy clothes either – but by her thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. She’s attracting (just like you are) people and experiences into her life that match her beliefs and emotions, whether it’s on purpose or (often) by unconscious default. Feeling sorry for anybody, defending their unhappiness, or pacifying them that “the big bad world’s to blame” – isn’t going to do any substantial good. The truth is, it’s actually only reenforcing a belief and vibration that is counter-productive to their best intentions.
That helpless girl you see as a poor victim in a stream of unfortunate relationships and feel sorry for? Well, I see a woman of courage, choice, unlimited potential, and deliberate creation, waiting to be awoken. At anytime she decides to, she has the capability to begin transforming her relationships and create the love she truly deserves. Sorry, but I refuse to play politically correct and see somebody for who they and others think they are, instead of the true incredible person I know is inside.
Also, if you tend to be attracting these women, take a look at what kind of vibe and thought patterns you’re giving out. If you’re honest with yourself, what you find may surprise you. This might be some tough love, but it’s time people face their demons if they want to truly create a better life. Nobody’s ever a victim, and nobody’s ever to blame. It’s simply a series of decisions. All relationships take two participants, and thus each person is 100% responsible.
We all attract what we’re unconsciously focused upon. That’s why women stay in abusive relationships and keep attracting the guys they don’t want… saying what you don’t want is only going to bring more of it to you, so focus on what you DO want. Even though she probably doesn’t know this, it’s still happening regardless of awareness – so the cycle continues on and on until something major happens, and she decides to do anything about it… or it continues forever.
This is why it’s called a pattern.
So, if you’re a pretty high-status, confident, experienced man with his shit together – chances are the women you see dating these kinda of guys aren’t even the quality of women you want anyway.
Do you shun these women or say bad things about them? Of course not, that’s just more asshole behavior. We are all humans in this world together and should love and respect on that level. At the same time, when choosing a mate you want to spend huge amounts of time, energy, and intimacy with – you deserve what you want. You deserve the best of the best, so don’t ever settle for what less you expect out of somebody else. Not only for you, but they would also be settling for somebody who settles (you).
Remember that society tries to guilt you into feeling bad for damning and expecting exactly what you want because, well, most of society settles. Politically correct? Hell no. Don’t ever let other’s fears dictate your happiness.
It’s all lose-lose in that case.
Why These Aren’t Relationship-Ready Women
What makes this type of woman, who has a pattern of dating these kind of guys, not good relationship material? As beautiful, wonderful, and worthy as I’m sure these girls are – there’s some red flags you must look out for when selecting your ideal mate. Following the same set of negative attributes as in the beginning, let’s see their similar counterpart in a woman who is:
- low-self esteem
- a giver without self-respect or boundaries
- addicted to emotional rushes (gotta get her emotional fix [actual chemicals in the brain] either positive or negative)
- a pushover or doesn’t stand up for herself
- stuck with a “Save Him Syndrome”-based modus-operandi
Fascinating, isn’t it? It’s a safe bet that if a woman continues to date this asshole/jerk for any extended period of time, she has an assortment of traits to match those in her man. Next time you see this dynamic, take a deep, hard look. Study some psychology if you have to – I did. It can provide a great insight on what to look for (or avoid) in your next girlfriend, or to help in bitch-slapping a love-blinded buddy.
While I’m keeping this article simple, know that these traits are not gender specific by any stretch.
Think about it: if you’re a happy, confident man and you’re with a girl who shuns all compliments to her, is unable to ever be happy around you, won’t have sex unless it’s pitch-dark under the covers, etc… how annoying does that get real quick? Or how about when she manipulates everything you say to mean something totally different in order to reinforce her low self-worth, leading to causing a fight that temporarily satisfies her emotional fix.
It’s a safe bet that you’re likely to end that relationship relatively quickly… unless there’s a counterpart to these negative behaviors inside of you that matches perfectly to hers. Often times you may not even bet aware of it until the relationship develops. So check it, it’s the same thing with women and jerks: she’s going to allow the relationship to continue with a guy that is emotionally, mentally, or even physically abusive to her if it’s filling a need that one (or many) of her immature traits feed on.
Give The Girl Some Slack
I know this article may seem pretty harsh, but the reality is that sugar-coating this particular topic to make sure nobody’s feelings get hurt is the reason why such unhappiness and suffering perpetuates. This isn’t a therapy session; it’s an explanation of why this particular thing happens, which inherently isn’t even a happy topic to begin with.
That being said, there’s a time in most girls’ lives where you gotta give them some slack – and that time, is youth. As stated earlier, sometimes it’s simply a matter of experience and age that contributes to both men and women in this situation, even if I’ve been focusing on the more deeper and core issues at hand in this article.
You’ll often see this dynamic in the college-age/party maturity crowd – that’s okay, and somewhat expected. People are still growing and learning who they are and what they want for themselves – and in significant others. Girls with a good head on their shoulders quickly outgrow the dating assholes/jerks stage (some altogether skip it), and become women that are attracted to the first list, rather than the second.
So just because an 18 year old girl is dating a douche bag, doesn’t mean she’s fucked up in the head, okay?
Give her a break… what did you expect?
Chances are she’s just wanting to have fun, and the few guys that age who can provide that for her are said assholes. Nobody can really blame her – this is how she learns what she does and doesn’t want. This is how we all grow. It’s rare to find, girl or boy, at such a young age with their life genuinely together – so girls are simply taking what’s available. Check back in about 8 years, and see what her last few relationships were like – that’ll be your indicator. If that trend has continued or increased, that’s a sign it’s probably something deeper that just lack of quality men in the party scene.
Also, give the young bucks a break too. I know I put a lot of responsibility on us men, but most guys are also confused as hell on what to do as well. The teens and twenties are a coming-of-age time for all of us, and realizing that nobody’s ever finished growing, will help ease any negative feelings towards this entire relationship dynamic. This will allow both men and women to date in a positive and mutual beneficial way.
This brings me to the real purpose of this article. I first wanted to give a foundation of what women find attractive in these guys that most “nice guys” don’t tend to demonstrate. I also wanted to point out why these relationships tend to continue beyond a healthy point. Finally, now that we got the age/immaturity/chill-the-hell-out thing down, as well as the qualifications and standards we should expect out of ourselves and the women we date… we can get to the real reason why good, decent women, tend to date jerks and assholes.
The Real Reason
Congratulations! You now have a better understanding than 99% of the population on why women with issues… are attracted to men with issues. Yay. Great, now that your thirst for understanding has been satiated, leave this topic to rot in hell. Unsubscribe from that nonsense, because you don’t want any of those issues. You don’t want to spend any time, effort, or attention with that vibration, let alone try to solve it. It’ll only frustrate you and bring you down – so start to focus on why high quality women date high quality men instead. That’ll be a much more productive use of your time and energy.
With all that being said, why aren’t good men getting dates with good women?
Why, even after actually knowing all of this, do some women still date assholes?
The answer for me, came in the form of a very short story:
A few years ago, I heard a story my friend was telling about the exact same enigma. He was telling me how his friend was talking to a high-quality, confident, female friend about male/female dynamics and relationships. They got to talking about this particular topic, and as my friend began getting more frustrated with the whole issue, he straight out asked her:
“Why the hell do women date assholes?!”
With almost as much almost hidden despair, she shot back quite simply:
“Because they ask.”
Upon hearing that, my eyes expanded to the size of tea cups, my mind exploded a thousand different ways, proceeded to implode back on itself, and about 7 different idea lightbulbs lit up in a giant “a-ha!” moment, as Buddha, Jesus, and Abe Lincoln popped champagne and made it rain bubbly on Vegas strippers in my room.
Because. They. Ask.
That’s it. These dudes get the girls because the nice guys are too afraid or polite to ask, and jerks tend to make their moves first and aggressively (albeit usually without any skill or tact). Whatever it is, they’re around women and they make their intentions obvious. It IS said you lose 100% of the fights you never show up to, and that simply showing up is half the battle.
And apparently it’s true.
With no other options, a lot of women end up with sub-par men simply by default. Again, these may not all be the kind of women you want anyway, but I assure you all desirable women have been, are, or will be subjected to this position. Women are just as baffled at this phenomena as you are.
I’m amazed at how many women settle for sub-par relationships. I’m baffled at how many beautiful women are on dating websites (and how they still remain unsuccessful). I’m perplexed on how so many single people are out there, not dating when they want to. Sure, there are a billion factors that play into it, but the fact remains that I believe you are a much better candidate for any girl than the jackass pictured at the top of this article flipping you off.
Thousands of pretty girls are staying home tonight, wondering what’s wrong with them… only because all the guys they meet are too afraid to ask them out. Your fear of rejection is the reality of rejection to the women you never ask.
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