Does your desire come from need or want?

Would you prefer if somebody stayed with you because they wanted to, or needed to?

I want you to stop and imagine your ideal woman right now, the sexiest one imaginable, that’d you love to have your way with. Her silky, shimmering, flowing hair… the perfect contours of her waist curving down to her hips, accented only by the skin tight mini dress she’s wearing… the shimmers of meticulously chosen jewelry that complement her outfit… the way her breasts seem to be perfectly shaped and firm, supported effortlessly on her chest… the smell of her perfume and lust lingering through your nostrils, forcing an unconscious expansion of your lungs, inhaling even more… her deep radiant eyes, darting and fluttering like butterflies in your direction, beckoning you over to indulge in her sweet skin and soft, wet, voluptuous lips… sliding her hands through her hair and down her…

Ok stop (sorry). If you’re anything of a masculine man, that was starting to sound pretty enticing… yes? Dare I even say that’s something you would desire?

Desire is an incredible thing, isn’t it? In this kind of situation, that may even grow into an insatiable lust — but at its core, the desire of the feminine by masculine (and vise versa) is what makes the world turn. It can be a very beautiful and good thing, or a weak and disgusting thing… depending on where the desire is coming from. More on that later.

In Napoleon Hill’s classic Think and Grow Rich, he goes to great lengths about desire and how important it is. It’s what drives people towards achievement, happiness, and love – it’s the fuel that fires the steam boat down the river of success. It’s incredibly important. Without desire, it would be very hard to compel man to do much.

It’s a pretty simple formula:

You see or imagine something that you’d like to have -> feel desire for it ->  take action to get it

At it’s most basic level, desire is a propellent to get you to take action. How compelled would you feel to do a job you had no desire to do? My guess, not so much …unless the desire to get paid, eat, and pay rent overrides it – which will be the actual desire and driving force. But if you had no need to do it, yet it was something that you had an incredible desire to do (you know, like read this blog), you’d do such with much more drive, ambition, and passion …make sense?

Hopefully this is very obvious. On the flip-side we have being desirable, or, feeling desired.

Feeling Desired

That feeling of having somebody want you is wonderful …who doesn’t want to feel desired? Evolutionary speaking, it’s how we survived in small clans or tribes. If nobody in our tribe wanted us, we wouldn’t find a mate and reproduce; if it was at an extreme scale, we would be outcasted, abandoned, and left to live on our own. Not so fun. The social cohesion was very important, though these days it’s not do-or-die, but the feeling of being wanted is stil something powerful.

Unfortunately, feeling desired by someone does not equal attraction to that person.

Now because this is a powerful feeling, and consciously obvious, it’s unfortunately where a lot of relationship or dating advice goes awry. That desire to make her feel desirable is the reasoning that cause many guys to prematurely give gifts, “tell her how you feel”, treat her special, give her compliments, wine and dine her, ad nauseum. This makes logical sense: make somebody feel good and they’ll reciprocate by liking you. I mean, if a smoking hot babe was all over you, you’d have no problem “reciprocating”.

Unfortunately, “feeling desired by someone” does not equal “attraction to that person”.

Usually, high value people are desirable, so it’s not anything new to them to feel desired. It’s natural; they’re desirable people (for whatever reason) and they expect it. That’s why giving big compliments to desirable women you just met usually backfires (there’s actually another more important reason). This is also why a lot of regular guys would jump all over a supermodel if she showed him some initial interest or desire — because it’s such a rare occurrence for him.

I don’t want to go into perceived value, social hierarchies, or the like – but taking a look at the desire aspect of this dynamic is powerful and key. This is the basic principle a lot of “players” are doing when they’re “acting cool” – to show they’re (in)different, that they don’t desire them. The problem is, that only works on lower self esteem women, as the super high quality women that get it, know it’s just an act — that they DO desire them, but they’re not congruent enough to be honest about it… which is an even BIGGER turn off. “Fake it to you make it” I suppose, but that doesn’t work with the best quality women I really crave.

Go figure.

Now I just mentioned there was another reason why giving incredibly desirable women compliments usually backfires. Contrary to popular internet dating advice 101, it’s not the compliments that turn these women off – it’s the energy and intention behind it (or sometimes perceived intent, but you can never trick a woman’s intuition). This is how a random drunk guy can approach a woman at a club and say “that’s a really fashionable and sexy dress”, and a she’ll write him off as a lame guy hitting on her – compared to a random girl approaching her saying the exact same words where she’ll light up with genuine appreciation. Assuming her perception of each’s intents are right: one is genuine and comes from appreciation of style, the other is typically just an opener or line used to ultimately — let’s be honest — get into her pants (er, dress).

He was being authentic, speaking his mind, and that was his only intent.

Now if a confident man with plenty of female options, happened to walk by her and spontaneously say: “wow, now that’s a really fashionable and sexy dress”… she’s going to feel a much different result than the previous two. There was an obvious desire, like the first guy, but this time there was a blunt honesty out of strength, not neediness. Even if he did want to sleep with her, there was no neediness or desperation in his desire — his intent was pure, so to speak. He was being authentic, speaking his mind, and that was his only intent – honesty.

This “position of power” is how you want to approach your desires, but before get there, let’s talk about need vs want.

Need vs Want

Before we continue, let’s make sure our definitions are the same. According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, there are a few definitions for need and want, but for this topic, we’ll refer to them as follows:

  • need verb – require (something) because it is essential or very important.
  • want verb – have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.

Hmm, interesting.

  • The first one, need, is a requirement; it’s essential; necessary; you have to have it. Think of your basic needs: food, water, shelter, etc. Without them, there’s going to be some sort of consequence, emotionally or physically. It’s pretty much not an option. You need it so much it’s not even a chosen desire, it’s required (for whatever reason).
  • The second one, want, is a (notice this word) desire or wish for something. Notice there’s no urgency, or requirement. Yes you desire it, but there’s not going to be any grave consequences (like starving, pain, or grieving). It’s almost like it’s a choice, well it is – it’s something that you desire over (or including) other options.

Starting to get the picture? Remember we’re not talking economics or financial responsibility and maturity; no lecturing on buying things you need before things you just frivolously want. This is about having desire from a position of strength in the context of relationships (for both men and women). Also let me point out this isn’t a power/control/upper-hand thing. I believe both parties in a relationship should be coming from a place of want desire, which makes for an incredible kind of chosen happiness.

I often ask women to pick what they find more compelling, out of the following:

You’re incredible baby, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I need you, you complete me. I don’t even talk or think about other women, you’re the only one for me. I don’t want you to ever leave, and I would never leave you baby, I love you soooo much, you’re my other half. Be with me please!”


You’re incredible baby, out of all the amazing, successful, beautiful women I’m seeing, I want you the most out of all of them. I have an incredible time with all the people I hang out with, but there’s something different about you. Be with me… I don’t have to have you, but I really want you to be. If not, it’ll be a loss for us both, but that’s okay because I’ll still be me and you’ll be you.”

All high self-esteem women will pick the second one. It’s when you get the lower self-esteem women or those that have dependency issues that ever pick the first. As a man, I would also much rather hear the second. Think about it: a beautiful women that is talking to all these successful men that are great in bed and life, that can sleep with any guy at the drop of a dime, and out of all of them, she CHOOSES YOU. How awesome would that make you feel? Much better than if it was just because she couldn’t get anyone else.

It all boils down to these 2 basic positions:

  • When you’re loving somebody from a place of need, you have no (perceived) options or choice – they are necessary to fill a required need. Your desire is coming from weakness/neediness, scarcity, and disregard for (or lack of) your own standards.
  • When you’re loving somebody from a place of want, you are choosing them out of other possible options – they are fulfilling a want better than anything else. Your desire is coming from a place of strength, abundance, and high standards.

It should be obvious that the position of power I’m referring to is having your desire based in want, not need. When you come from a place of abundance, you know that you’ll be (mostly) fine if you were to walk away — there’s no grand consequence for not getting what you “need” because you don’t need it.

Why don’t you need it? Ah, let’s talk abundance.

The Abundance Mindset

At this point you maybe thinking about “some friend you have” and how you want to help him out. So one of his questions would be: “well if one’s in the ‘need desire’ zone, how the hell do you get out?!”

One of the simplest solutions for you, er, I mean, your friend’s problem would be abundance.

You wanted her because of who she was, not needed her because that’s all you have.

I’m not referring to anything new age, law of attraction, or metaphysical here. Just the idea and practice of seeing your world overflowing with potential mates, opportunities, and potentials; rather than that of lack of people that would date you, no chances for success, or even the mindset of living at effect.

If you have a plethora of options that are just as good as what you feel you currently “need”, why would even have the urge to freakout, knowing there’s hundreds of more options out there! If you were dating 5 incredibly awesome women, that you pretty much liked equally the same, and all of a sudden 1 of them disrespected you, met somebody else, or for some other reason broke it off… how would you act?

Obviously you’d be sad, and it wouldn’t be fun… but at the same time, you wouldn’t grovel at her feet, try and sabotage her new relationship, or any other host of needy insecure behaviors. You wanted her because of who she was, not needed her because that’s all you have, so your behavior is going to be vastly different coming from that place of strength. It’s not heartlessness by any means, but there is no need – hence no needy behaviors.

Options are a huge factor in the abundance mindset and coming from a place of strength and wanting desire, rather than neediness desire. If you …I mean your friend, needs help getting out of the “need desire” vibe, the fastest way to adopting that is the belief of abundance, and then actually living your life that way. It’s not going to be the cure-all if he’s got emotional issues, insecurities, or has low self-esteem, but it sure will take the “need stank” women can smell from a mile away.

Unfortunately, getting to that place of abundance where you have options everywhere in your life is way beyond the scope of this article, but is going to be a natural byproduct of your path to becoming a polyman.

Allow Your Want to Become Your Need for Her

Now with everything said, and the proper foundation established, I want to point out there this is a very powerful feeling for the other person that comes with your powerless, uncontrollable need… if used from a true, core place of strength. It’s necessary to behave and know there’s abundance, she’s your choice, and your want… but you must make her feel as if she’s your need when you’re with her. I know, yet again, the power of paradox… so let me elaborate.

Listen to her words, sounds, and moans as if they’re the very symphony that brings you to climax, the perfect cadence of insatiable lust.

The best way to explain this is, is of course, sex. Only in the context of a relationship based in mutual want, not need, there can be a sort of beautiful surrender to satisfy your need for your lover. The error is most romance movies, love stories, and romanticists act this way out of neediness and a lack of: control, experience, skills, or abundance. While this can still be a beautiful thing, I have a much better approach.

When you’re with her, look at her as if her glowing beauty shines the very rays of light your eyes need to bring you salvation. Taste her high, and all the the way low; as if her skin is of divine flavour and her juices are the nectar of the gods. Breathe in her intoxicating aroma as if no other drug or drink makes you as high as her scent. Listen to her words, sounds, and moans as if they’re the very symphony that brings you to climax, the perfect cadence of insatiable lust. Feel and ravish her body like your very existence depends on getting inside of her – one way or another. Because of who she is, she makes you need to take her right here, right now, and nothing will stop you – you just can’t control yourself.

This is to love, and make love to women. To her in this moment, she is everything you need to live – and to her, you as well. Her need for you is what makes you want her, and your need for her fuels her own desire. Coming from a place of strength, you are truly free to get lost and surrender to each other without fear.

On Love

Love isn’t two halves coming together to create a whole, rather, two wholes coming together to create something greater than their sum.”

When you see that most people view relationships as a way to “complete” them (presupposing they’re incomplete already) and they need this “other half”… it’s out of a very weak position. You’ve read this far, and that means you can see that as “cute”, cliché, and “just a phrase” it may be… frankly, is a horribly way to seek, view, and live relationships. On top of the neediness apparent going into the relationship, the inevitable parting of ways, will see huge pain and suffering, because they’re going from whole — to a broken, incomplete person now… which anyone, even the strongest man with that belief, would feel loss.

We’re all humans here, and any good person with a heart, will always live life balancing this want/need/abundance/attachment mindset. No macho careless jerk “playing it cool”, you should express your desire from want; a place of strength and emotional congruence. This isn’t a solution to suffering or feeling attachment. Rather, a way to approach relationships and desire in life from a position of power.

I understand that without the feminine there would be no masculine. Without the light there would be no dark. Without yin, there would be no yang. As co-creating social creatures, we do need each other to survive and procreate on the grand scale. This is true, and by the closing of this article you should understand the difference of that kind of “need” and the neediness of scarcity desire.

So go forth and live life from abundance… you really need to want your desire.



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