MAJOR UPDATE: After 5 years since writing this, my views have evolved greatly. I have a new project where I share holistic sex advice for men & women. Learn how to become a better Remarkable Lover now.
Sex. Who doesn’t want to be ridiculously good in bed? As one of top 2 most influential driving forces of any living species – reproduction – it’s no wonder sex plays such a huge part in our lives, and is the cause for so much pleasure, motivation, and yes – even frustration. Besides the obvious frustration of guys and gals that just can’t “get any” (hello, ambiguity), the frustration that men and women have with mediocre, or just plain awful, sex is alarming.
Of course you are probably already having copious amounts of bathroom-sink-breaking, neighbor-waking, back-arching, incredibly remarkable sex. There’s no way any woman would talk about how bad you were in bed with her girl friends after you leave the next morning, nor would your girlfriend ever be frustrated that you’re just not doing it for her. Or, heaven forbid, she was faking it this whole time (hello, wikipedia).
No, that would never happen to you… or would it?
Nobody wants to think, let alone admit, they’re not good at “doing it” (hello, 6th grade). Every man in the world thinks he’s the shit in bed, which is okay with me – if it’s true. If you’re amazing in bed, fantastic, I’m glad you’re helping to make women feel absolutely incredible. But when the studies and complaints around the world say otherwise, we know the truth.
Now it’s totally understandable, and even socially acceptable to be “just okay” in bed, to not be really mature, to not be able to give her an orgasm, to not be able to walk the walk as a “boy” in his teens-twenties. It’s common, and on the surface, culturally acceptable to be average – by definition. Hell, that’s just who you are – it’s okay to just be your yourself, right?
There’s nothing technically wrong with that – but that doesn’t mean one should settle. There was no way I was going to settle when I knew could achieve excellence, and neither should you.
Listen, I’ll be honest with you: I was actually part of those statistics and even had some, *ahem*, “performance anxiety”. But once I became aware and realized I could do something about it, I took the steps I needed to take in order to learn and apply this to get better.
Since you’re here, reading this right now, I have a pretty good feeling you’re not an average guy and you’re not looking to just settle for “acceptable” …am I right?
Getting a solid grasp on these concepts changed my life, and I feel compelled to share my learnings with you. They’ll set you on your way to becoming the kind of incredible lover you deserve to be – it’s your birthright as a man, after all.
I know you’re aching to get to the tips, but resist that old urge and think for a moment:
- When you have sex, make love, or just get down and dirty with someone for some good old-fashion release – do you have unwavering confidence that you’re one of the best she’s ever been with?
- Are you totally positive that you’re making her go absolutely crazy over you because of who you are as a man, and what you do for her in the bedroom (or on the kitchen counter), and that she genuinely respects and admires you for it?
- Is she having earth-shattering multiple, continuous, full body orgasms from you… without even touching her?
- Are you with her because you need to be because she’s the only one, or because she’s such an awesome person that you want to share yourself and gifts with her over the 1000’s of other amazing women?
- Is she willing to do anything for you because you make her feel incredible pleasure and ridiculously happy being with you more than other guys … even beyond her wildest dreams?
If not, then there’s a sliiiiight chance you have some room to be an even more incredible lover. Wouldn’t it feel great being able to confidently answer yes to all 5 of those questions? Imagine now being able to have such confidence, that you could easily and congruently answer yes if somebody had a gun to your head screaming at you to answer the truth… without breaking a sweat, or wavering of the eye.
There’s incredible power in being that confident, congruent, and competent.
Now, I’m not promising these tips will be the answer; but I do promise that without fully embracing these tips, you’re not even going to get close to really mastering this area of your life. There are volumes of essential sexual/dating/relationship information available, but I’ve picked some major over-arching ideas you can implement now to get better results with your lover (and honesty, life in general).
WARNING: This list is nothing like your typical technique tip list. These “tips”, are general concepts to adopt into your thoughts and behaviors – rather than superficial techniques of where to place your fingers, what foods make your semen sweet, or how to tickle her elbow upside down with the upper left corner of your tongue while thinking about baseball.
Techniques are important, don’t get me wrong – but they’re nothing without a proper belief system and a solid foundation. I’m going to assume you’re a good man with good intents, and you’ve got all your basics handled. I think highly of you, and know you don’t need to hear common sense tips like “you need to brush your teeth and shower” and “don’t bite her vagina off like Jaws” (I mean, unless she’s into that?).
A final note before the tips: in this article I assume you’re leaning towards more masculine energy, and are looking to be with a more feminine energy. While I’m completely aware both men and women have both – and that these may apply to masculine woman/feminine men, lesbians, and gays – just for the sake of simplicity, I will say man/masculine and woman/feminine. The point to take home is that regardless of which gender is which “role”, there needs to be the balance between a masculine and feminine energy.
Also, apparently I need to make it explicit: these ideas are for women you’re already seeing and have a consensual sexual relationship already established. You know, women who already want to have sex with you. I hope you’re mature enough to comprehend these tips apply to a specific positive sexual context, and are each part of a holistic approach towards mutually satisfying sex.
Ready? Here we go (I know you’ll really like #4, it’s magical – just resist skipping ahead).
1. A woman’s biggest sex organ is her brain
“Wait, what? How am I going to lick or finger that? Gross!”
No no, Ron Jeremy – that’s the typical mindset of somebody (most people) that’s got it all wrong: the belief that you need to stimulate her body somehow to make her feel good… I mean it is called “getting physical” (hello, slight misnomer), isn’t it?
This is probably the biggest sex misconception out there (maybe only behind the one that says women don’t like sex as much as men… please, please, please tell me you know women do indeed love incredible, mind-blowing sex).
So what does this mean? Everything really. At the basic level, it means you should be turning her on first with her imagination – not her clitoris – then getting physical. Excite her emotions and mind, and her body will follow.
On a higher (advanced) level, it means she’s capable of having (and you giving) orgasms without any physical stimulation whatsoever. I’m serious, but don’t tell her quite yet, ’cause she might not believe it. It’s not a quick & easy feat.
You call bullshit eh? …ever had a wet dream?
What can you do about it? Well, here’s a few easy things: send sexy texts/emails, role-play, act out fantasies, write erotic stories, and for god’s sake talk dirty to her! You don’t know how many women feel stupid when they’re trying to express themselves to you vocally, and the guy freaks out or just, you know, does nothing.
It’s hot, it’s sexy, and it turns her the hell on. If you don’t think it’s “cool” or “normal”, get over it and challenge your comfort zone. Many people have different definitions and expectations on talking naughty, and even see it as a mild taboo, so your milage may very.
Warning: dirty talk is an art. Ease into it and discover each others comfort zones; done wrong or too far too soon can be an instant turn off. If you’re not comfortable with it, you can come off sounding pretty ridiculous – or on the other side, laughably dorky: like telling her how much you love to “copulate” (hello, biology class) with your genitalia.
Remember too, that the raunchier you get, the more mutual respect and trust is needed.
It’s really important though, so learn it and get it right!
Need proof? Romance novels are the highest selling genre of fiction books (estimates at over 50%) (hello again, wikipedia). Hmm… I wonder why.
2. Men are switches, women are analog knobs
Well, kinda. We either want it, or we don’t. There’s not much in-between for us. Women on the other hand, need to be turned on – not simply flipped on (for the most part).
Imagine a light switch. That’s us. Now imagine that really big awesome round knob that controls the volume of your hi-def audio system. That’s women. Obviously I’m generalizing, but just go along with the analogy.
pleasure as a symphony of the most beautiful instruments imaginable…
We can usually be ready at the drop of a dime to get it on, but most women need to get a bit warmed up first. How fast or slow you turn the knob is important, but either way, you’re turning a knob.
A good way to do it is like this: turn her up a few notches, then down a notch. Turn her up a bit more, then ease back a bit. Turn her up some more, and just wait. You get the idea. With your stereo system, you’re not going to blare it as soon as you flip it on (notice how people jump when this happens?), you’re going to turn it up.
With music as well, the volume and intensity isn’t constant – it fluctuates, it’s dynamic. Build her up buttercup and release; build the tension and suspense, then resolve it (a la tip #4). Play your woman as an instrument; conduct her pleasure as a symphony of the most beautiful instruments imaginable, each playing their own critical part in the melody of her ecstasy, coming in and out at the perfect tempo and intensity, arriving at the climax of her most erotic cadence.
At a deeper level, this is about understanding that men and women are different. We think, feel, act, and emote different – and you need to be able to understand how to “translate”. They have different social pressures and double standards, and a whole slew of things we don’t have to deal with. So make sure you don’t try and flip her on, but turn her on the right way at the right speed, which varies person-to-person.
This leads me right into…
3. Don’t go too fast (or too slow!)
An incredible lover can judge how fast or slow to “turn the knob”. He can sense when she’s getting impatient and ready to get things going, or when she’s not ready to go there yet – settle down Beavis.
You’d think most guys have a problem of going too fast, but actually, most nice/good guys have the problem of going too sslllooooowww. Yeah, mostly because:
- they hear that girls don’t like sex
- they hear you should take it really slow
- they have no idea what to do, or how to do it
- they’re afraid to man up, lead, and go for it
You have no idea how many times I’ve heard a woman complain: “I was waiting forever for him to just make the move”.
Go too fast and you’re a pervert; go too slow and you’re a wussy. A good lover knows when the time’s right, and how to calibrate his woman.
Depending on what you’re actually doing, going ridiculously “too” slow (or fast) can be a fantastic thing, especially when used in the context of…
Hopefully you didn’t cheat and come here before 1–3, as that would have ruined all my fun!
Yes, you see what I did there – isn’t anticipation wonderful? It is, so much so, women (even us too) admit that often times the anticipation of something is better than actually getting it.
Crazy! It makes total sense though, doesn’t it?
It’s human nature, and marketers use it all the time, often by hyping up product launches and “coming soon” ads. The best are those in TV and movies. Cliff hangers are used in all my classic Saturday morning cartoons that I watch when I watched them as a little kid. You see them even more so with movies nowadays, with the trailers at the beginning of films letting you know a movie is coming soon… but oh, you gotta wait for it!
I’m sure you get the idea, you experience it everyday. Now just apply it to relationships and sex.
How do you apply this? Well on basic, intimate, physical levels, you can take “about to do/on my way to do” things really slow.
What I mean by this is, if you’re about to kiss her, go in for the kiss… slowly. Or tell her you’re going to kiss her… but don’t tell her when. When you’re kissing up her legs toward her thighs, do it slowly… almost painstakingly slow. She’ll “get/go mad”, trust me. She’ll yell at you to just “go in for the kill” – but don’t do it!
She’ll be disappointed in you deep down inside if you “give in” too quickly.
Think about when you’re tickling somebody. They push you away and tell you stop… but you keep doing it because you’re both actually enjoying it of course, and the more they tell you not to, the more you do it, because it’s obvious they like it (almost too much).
Same basic idea with physical anticipation. Really, just keep building the anticipation until she can’t take it anymore… then just a tad bit more. I know, I’m a bit evil, but they always seem to love it. Don’t over do it and be annoying though – know the threshold, and don’t do it every time, all the time. I’ve actually met a few girls who liked to tease, but took it too far and it became arrogant and annoying, so tease good.
It’s all just fun; there should be no power games or pretense.
On a higher level, you can do other types of anticipation. Event anticipation for example; make plans with her a few days in advanced, but don’t tell her what you have planned. Emotional anticipation; have the kind of relationship where all day say she’s thinking about how happy she’s going to feel when she’s back in your arms (or pinned down underneath them) later that night.
Finally, just be a bit unpredictable (in a good way) – this in itself is a bonus tip! If she know’s exactly what to expect and can predict it, her interest will usually be a lot less. Be too unpredictable though, and she’ll see you as unstable and out of control. Remember, balance.
5. Lead and be Dominant
H’okay guys, this one’s a doozy. You hear time and time again how men should make the first move. Most of the time you’re going to lead yourself, her, and others. There’s already tons out there on how to be a leader in life and what it exactly means, and I suggest developing the ability. It’s something important both in and out of the bedroom, but following topic, let’s talk about the later.
As a man, it’s your job to lead in the bedroom – whether you’re on top or bottom, it doesn’t matter. This can be physically leading, such as: taking her hand and going to the bedroom, or emotionally leading, such as: being open, honest, and adventurous, showing her that it’s okay to do the same.
Why? Women are more independent as ever now, as they forge ahead in the world, their careers, schooling, parenting, and picking up the slack where other men aren’t. Their days consist of roles that require leading themselves and others, and when it’s time to be with her man, she wants needs to be able to surrender to her man as he leads her through blossoming her femininity and making her feel like the incredible woman she is.
Be dominate and in control. Dominant, not domineering; in control, not controlling. This is very important, and is the line from being an excellent man, to a horrible, abusive one. You never ever force yourself or doing anything against the will of your partner, and there’s an obvious difference between a “playful flirty ‘no’ with a smile” and a “NO! STOP!”
Okay, now that the obvious bad guy note is out of the way, let’s talk about being dominant and in control. This one of the secret, positive qualities of the “bad boy” and “jerks” that women just can’t help but to get addicted to. Unfortunately, it often comes with the bad traits of dishonesty, abuse, etc – but applied to the good guy you are, you’re in for an excellent combination.
Examples: take her hand and slide just where you want it, pin her down with her hands above her head, get a little rough (calibrate her boundaries), and even make it hard for her to get on top. Tell her what to do and how to do it. Do what you want to her and have your way with her without asking for permission (if you do cross a line, genuinely apologize, stop, and change course).
You don’t always have to be “on top” and “controlling everything that’s going on”, but you need to be the solid, stable man with control of the situation. Feel free to switch it up, and of course, always welcome her own wants and desires – and make them real for her.
Remember this isn’t an ego, superiority, sexist thing. She wants to surrender to you because you’re an amazing man that makes her feel incredible because you ignite her femininity in ways most men don’t – why wouldn’t she?
6. Build Trust, Respect, Confidence, & Connections
In order for any of the sex to happen, there has to be some level of trust. If there’s going to be anything safe and adventurous, there needs to be respect. If you expect her to follow your lead, you need to be confident and inspire confidence in her. If you want any of this to be meaningful, you need to build a genuine connection.
The best lovers genuinely care about (not necessarily deeply for) their mates. This doesn’t mean you have to love the person if you’re hooking up at a bar, but if you have a love of women and are a good person that wants to make sure she’s safe and comfortable, there needs to be trust and respect.
One of my own past personal struggles, and that of many young men, is the emotional meaningful connection part. This is “shut down” in a lot of people because of experiences in their past that caused them to build “walls” around them. By shutting others out – by not letting yourself open up to somebody fully in the most intimate way – you don’t have to deal with the pain later on. It’s the easiest way to deal with internal issues, and of course, causes the most problems.
If you have your own guards or walls, figure out how to break them down and open up, and help your woman as well (if she’s ready/has them). Remember it’s okay, and it’s there to protect you, so accept it and do what you need to really connect with your lover for an explosive love-making session unlike anything you’ll find in a bar bathroom stall with a cocaine hooker with daddy issues.
7. Make Your Pleasure, Her Pleasure
In my opinion, this is really the key that separates the great from the remarkable.
If you can learn to truly, and I mean honestly with all the fiber in your being, make her pleasure your priority in bed and actually be totally satisfied from it – you’re in the top of the top. Of course, you can’t do this until you love and accept yourself first.
So many men grow up watching porn and expect that to be what great sex is. In actuality, most porn is made for men to get off to, and is focused on him – which is the quickest way to being a horrible lover …not to mention the least likely way to get her to orgasm.
Get out of the “what’s in it for me” mentality, and get into the “I love woman so much, just seeing her face and hearing her voice when I’m causing her to feel this much pleasure is all I need to be satisfied” mentality. That’s something I honestly feel, and woman can sense it. This needs to come from a high self-esteem place of choosing to give love, not a needy, insecure, approval-seeking need to “please”.
A man that loves women, is loved by women. Many aren’t very used to it, and when you come along with this attitude at your core, in a genuine, loving way… get ready.
So how does one go about this? Here’s some ideas that give you examples of this in action:
- during sex, she should have an orgasm (or 3) before intercourse
- all her clothes are off before yours are
- know what she wants, and if you don’t know, communicate – ask her what she wants
- give everything, and be fine without “getting any”
- do things/positions/places she loves
- know what her fantasies are and make them real for her
- always be thinking of new ways to make her feel incredible
- be comfortable in any situation, allowing you to focus on her feeling safe and relaxed
- feel incredible, pure, joy as she gets lost expressing her ecstasy during climax
- if she has toys, or is into something a little bit freaky kinky, be sure to experiment and play around to see what works – even if you need to step outside your comfort zone
Important: Remember not to make her orgasms the “big goal”. It’s a lot of pressure for both of you, so just relax, and focus on just making her feel incredible. You’ll want her to be honest and open, and let her know it’s okay if she doesn’t. Be sure to communicate and observe with both with words and body language, to see what each other likes, and do all you can to remove any “performance anxiety” for both of you.
You also don’t want to assume and/or place big “responsibilities” on pleasing each other, as that’s a lot of pressure as well. Take the approach of helping her discover herself and developing her own senses of pleasure and confidence to be herself as a feminine woman. She shouldn’t need you to make her feel incredible, but to choose you to because of who you are.
An extremely hard rule and boundary I have is being with somebody who does the whole “Ok I’ll give you yours, so then you can give me mine” thing. To me, that’s pure selfishness, and is the opposite of what I’m talking about. If I pick up on that, I usually end it right then and there. I’m genuine and giving, and I expect the same; but it’s your choice how you want to handle other’s sexual selfishness or insecurities.
Though, a rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t really be both her lover and therapist.
8. Make Her Pleasure, Your Pleasure
Likewise, you want to make sure she get’s her pleasure from pleasing you. You can’t have this without the previous tip, so this comes after you master that.
Because you’re such a giving man, and you do everything you can to make her feel incredible (and succeed at it) – and because you’re a great guy both in and out of the bedroom, you both trust and respect each other, and have high self-esteem – she’s going to want to reciprocate all those wonderful things you’ve done for her – again, why wouldn’t she?
If you want your woman to act like a porn star with you, this is the secret. When you ignite her femininity and make her feel pleasure like she’s never had, she’ll want to do all those things, all those wonderful things you’ve dreamed about – because she gets pleasure from doing it to you too!
The whole thing is a win-win, as long as it’s coming from a place of wanting/choosing not needing. Both giving and receiving require both of you to know what each truly wants at your core, which may or may not be what you both think you want, so one of the most beautiful things in a relationship is growing together and figuring this out.
9. Inspiration, Models, and Continued Learning
If you’re not already there (or you know you can never stop learning) take the steps you need to get there. There are plenty of books, products, groups, and online resources to help you get where you need to be. Always be learning more, always be discovering things about your lover’s body, desires, and fantasies. You can always get better.
There’s some great lovers of history and fiction that you can get some insperation from, especially my favorite Don Juan DeMarco.
Don’t be afraid to learn to become a better lover – it’s a skill everyone has to learn. Let go of your ego and achieve the happiness you deserve for yourself and especially her.
10. Just Let Go and Be
Finally, after all these tips and all the ridiculous amount of value you’ve gotten from this, there’s an important last little key. This is what all the “self help, be yourself, accept everyone, zen” type people (I’m one of them) say:
Stop thinking, and just let go and be in the moment.
They’re totally right… but there’s a gotchya most never really talk about: competence.
If you’ve ever played a sport or learned an instrument, you know you need to learn so many things and gain a level of experience before you get good. If you suck, you can’t really be in the moment and play, or get lost in a melody expressing a specific emotion. You need to reach a level where you don’t need to think anymore; you just do.
If you’re in your head the entire time in bed thinking about “oh shit she’s on top, does that mean I’m not being dominant?” or “she’s going down on me, does that mean I’m not focusing on her pleasure?”, you’re not going to be present in the moment, really enjoying yourself or the other.
On the flipside, if you’re worried about what she’ll say tomorrow or if she’s going to laugh at your “size”, you’re not going to be doing anybody any good either. So get the knowledge, experience, and competence first.
Like I said way back in the beginning of the article: if you’re able to answer yes to all 5 of those questions, you should be at the level where you can just let go and be present in the moment. So once you gain a level of competence, get out of your head and into your body and enjoy.
In my personal experience, every straight, feminine, positive, & high self-esteemed woman has agreed with (or has enjoyed) these tips fundamental concepts – regardless of age, race, country, or hair color. Some of my female friends have shown these ideas to their girlfriends in order to help their boyfriends out a bit – and the guys that actually applied these concepts… well, let’s just say their girlfriends have been thanking me.
Keep in mind that these are timeless and ageless – they’re not trendy pop culture fads. Granted they’re nothing revolutionary, but they’re still things to be aware of even if you don’t agree or practice them. These concepts will never go out of fashion, or be replaced with a newer/better “X/Y/Z spot”. So regardless if you’re into lots of one-night-stands, friends with benefits, steady girlfriends, or your current wife – these principles all apply.
If you are younger, keep in mind that you’ll come across girls (and your guy friends) that just don’t get what you’re about, and just aren’t used to men with these kinds of beliefs and attitudes. If these are totally new concepts to you, stay true to who you are. If your peers don’t get it, I suggest finding some that appreciate your new attitudes. People with low self-esteem and/or bad intentions, may even start to do some crazy things – so pay attention.
If you’re a bit older, women will expect these qualities and you better damn well be able to walk your talk. Real, high quality women have been through plenty of losers (and a few gems), and her bullshit detector is strong, so these ideas are key.
If you’re dating younger women, just like most younger men, there’s a high chance they’re going to be somewhat immature, still discovering themselves, working on their self-esteem, etc. Don’t get me wrong: there are plenty of young women with their shit together too, more so than us men, and they are truly wonderful when you find them – and you will.
There’s just a lot of women (both young and older) that have been jaded or just won’t reciprocate your gifts, probably because so many previous men didn’t appreciate theirs.
Remember to choose wisely, as havoc and pain later on in relationships can usually be prevented by selecting the right women in the first place. Love and accept them all for who they are, and accept responsibility for your choices and decisions. Be kind and gentle when it’s time to move on; since as a polyman and lover of women, you should always leave them better off than you found them.
The only downside is that you’ll probably totally ruin it for the next guy. Oh well.
Help make the world better: If you know anybody (or couples) that could benefit from this, please share this or forward them a link to this article now – trust me, they’ll thank you for it.
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