Recently, there was a guy that went on a rampage killing girls at UCSB because they reject him (and men because he was jealous of them). Why? He was a virgin and without friends. He felt lonely, rejected, sad, confused, angry, resentful, and like a victim. To handle it, he developed a righteousness and superiority complex, and his ego and narcissistic tendencies arose as a coping mechanism to rationalize his worth – since nobody else valued him.
He meticulously thought of ways to seek his revenge and show these students his worth and wrath through killing them; to be judge and executioner for their crimes against him (and humanity, due to a sense of grandiosity). Perhaps then, for a moment, the roles would be reversed, and they would know what it felt like to be on the other end. Then the brief moment would pass, and he would finish them – doing humanity a favor by removing these cruel people from the world.
Sounds pretty sick, right? How do I know exactly what was going through his head?
Because that guy was me.
10 years ago I was in high school and was in the exact same position. The rejection, loneliness, bitterness, anger, and confusion tore my soul apart. I begged to some benevolent power to never deal with the legions of kids who despised me (for some mysterious reason) – ever again. My mind flooded with images of going into school and beating up, killing, or torturing all the kids who bullied and teased me. To have a moment – however brief – where I reclaimed my power and gave them a taste of their own medicine. I was longing to be free of the pain, hate, teasing, and torment from the daily ritual of school.
I prayed for the day that either these kids – or myself – would die. Suicide was most definitely an option.
Have you ever struggled in life, and wondered if life was really supposed to be hard? Maybe you’ve also heard how life should be easy and effortless. Wait, huh… what’s the deal? Do we have to struggle, or can life flow smoothly? As my mom would say “make up my mind!”
If so, how do we grow, learn, and develop our character without struggle? I mean, after all, there’s not testimony without a test… but what if we could separate our life “tests” from our “struggles”? Perhaps the lesson from struggle is to stop struggling (quicksand comes to mind).
I was on the phone a few hours ago with a client, and was coaching him through this very idea (so thank him for the inspiration for this post!)
Here’s the basic rundown of some thoughts:
- Our beliefs greatly influence how we perceive life, therefore experience reality.
- While we can’t control external difficulties, we can control how we approach them.
- Struggle and hard work is different than challenge and putting in time, effort, and energy.
- We can learn the easy way or hard way, heal through struggle or love – either way is right and perfect for us.
- Life is challenging enough for most of us, why are we adding to the difficulty by not letting it be easier? As if things will even get so easy we master areas of life in a blink – not gonna happen, I don’t care how many “downloads” you get, there will always be a process. So it’s about “how do we make this process more enjoyable and efficient?”
- We are taught the value of hard work– and it’s true there’s lessons to be learned from that idea relating to character versus trying to take the easy way out – but it’s still simply teaching us things about our character. And by the way, what’s wrong with easy?
- What would it feel like to work soft, not hard?
- The word “hard” presupposes resistance inherently, just like there’s a lot more resistance from a hard rock than a soft pillow.
- What notions of masculinity and manliness does your ego throw in your face around ideas such as “soft”, “ease”, “grace”, “effortlessness”? How is that making your life more difficult than it needs to be?
- What’s the relationship between being on your purpose and the amount of struggle? There’s a difference between struggling and overcoming challenges; one’s a choice.
For both of us, my client and I, some of these ideas felt weird. For example, the idea of “working soft” was totally foreign. Luckily, it conjured up ideas of an artisan craftsman building and creating with great care and artistry, rather than an improper association of weakness. For many, making work “easy” has a lot of resistance to it, and hell, even the word “work” is doesn’t feel good to many. The idea of softness is a great way to look at this differently, and still lax on the “hard” part.
In the image above, I created a diagram where I illustrated how being on path, purpose, and not where you need to be relates to struggle. Here’s the breakdown of that:Read More Now »
I will admit it – I have a habit of comparing myself to others. Some of the time it’s against people that are more successful than me, and other times it’s with people less successful than me. But all of the time it makes me feel like shit – like shit for judging them and myself, or for not being as successful as I want to be. I want to be better, I want to be more, I aspire to be as good as my idols. I don’t want to have the same issues as the other guy, I don’t want to be an amateur…
…I want to be something more than I am, but I’m not – so I compare.
This is the truth.
I’ll think to myself: “Oh I’m more advanced than that guy fucking up over there” in order to feel better about myself because I’m still fucking up or not at the “more advanced level” that I want to be. Or I’ll think to myself: “I’m just as good as that guy who has a million likes, or 400,000 followers, or superstar clients, or a new supermodel girlfriend every month, or is teaching a large audience, etc.” because I don’t have that for myself, but I feel as if I should.
If I didn’t think I should be there myself, I wouldn’t be comparing, right?
Think about it.
Do you compare yourself everyday to the Minister of Sumplase, Nobodyland? No. Why? Because you don’t care to be where he is or have what he has. If you’re not a drummer, you’ll probably never compare yourself to Rick Allen, but if you are, you’d probably do lots of comparing since the guy is a rockstar drummer with only one arm. If you’re not into yoga, you’d never get upset at some other yogi advancing faster than you (even though “you’re more spiritual and eat salads full of kale and spirulina”).
So why do we do this?
Main Reason 1: We’re Not Really Happy
The comparisons we have between ourselves and others comes from a lack. A lack of satisfaction, fulfillment, contentment, and acceptance. We compare when we’re not truly happy. Have you ever felt so blissful that you felt the intense urge to pay attention to somebody who was more or less happy? No. You were too busy in a state of ecstasy to even notice, let alone begin analyzing your comparisons.
If you’re comparing one gift to the other, your current socks with a pair of new ones, the curves of the girl you’re on a date with to your ex-girlfriend’s, the size of your arms with the guy-at-the-gym’s, your gold card with somebody’s black card, or even your “size” to another’s – it’s a safe bet there’s some discontent or insecurity at the root of it.
This doesn’t mean I’m saying all comparing is bad. Not at all. We have a natural, ingrained tendency to compare – our brains are wired that way for survival – but when it’s compulsive and making you (or the other person) miserable, there’s something more to it that evolutionary, biological wiring.
It doesn’t matter if you win, get rejected, or get hurt. Life is about showing up. While you’ll never fail if you never try, you’re also guaranteed to never win. Would you bail on working out if your trainer didn’t come? Would you still enjoy a dinner if your date flaked? Would you still make music if nobody listened? Would you leave work or skip your tasks if your boss didn’t show up?
Sometimes we fail. Sometimes other people fail.
But every time we can ask the question and make a choice: “Do I play on anyway?”
As they say, “The show must go on” …but does it still go on if there’s no audience?
Recently, I had a group coaching call where not a single person called in. Not just once, but twice in a row. For both of these calls, I stayed on the line present for the whole hour, keeping my word, regardless of the results. It was just me coaching nobody, and I was loving the fact I didn’t run away or quit. Even though it was a “failure”, I stilled showed up and stuck through it.
Now of course I’m not going to keep repeating the same exact strategy and hope for a different result. As Einstein said, that’s insanity. However when it did happen, I saw it through even though it seemed like a loss. That was the cool part for me – rather than getting sad or mad, or throw my hands up like I may have done in the past, I used it as an opportunity to grow. I stayed with the pain to the finish line.
On one hand, I stayed on the entire hour for them just incase somebody called in late. But on the other, it was about me showing up for myself by following through with my commitment. While, yes, it was technically a total bust, I still got a takeaway from it: Stop worrying about what others are or aren’t doing, and start to show up for yourself. If you can’t even do that for you, why would others?
I think one of the things that makes a man a great man is that he follows through. He’s dependable. Not always-available-as-a-doormat dependable, but keeping-his-work dependable. It’s similar to those hypothetical questions that ask if you’d still do something if you knew you wouldn’t get caught. Would you still show up even if you knew nobody wouldn’t know otherwise?
In an article about why jerks date women and not nice guys, one of the major reasons I discussed was the jerks “ask”. A lot of nice guys don’t make their interest apparent and boldly ask women on a date (or make a sexual move), so women are often left with the drunken bloke who’s pushy and cocky because he was there. He showed up… so to speak. Well actually, he SPOKE UP; he made some sort of move. Showing up, speaking up, asking for what you want, making a move, making a bold request – it’s all the same. Some more of a risk than others, but they all require you to take that first step and keep stepping.
I’ll close with my opening: It doesn’t matter if you win, get rejected, or get hurt. Life is about showing up.
How have you shown up for yourself (or another) recently? Share now in the comments!
It’s amazing what happens in stillness. In fact, everything we see in existence came from this still, silent place. The universe came to be by an explosion of consciousness from the stillness and silence of nothingness in space. Meditation brings about awareness and healing because it takes your mind and body to a place of stillness and silence, where new ideas or an observation of oneself is possible.
Think about it. Have you ever had an idea as you were nodding off to sleep? Doing nothing in the shower? Playing in the wild or surfing in the ocean?
Beyond creating space for new ideas, it also creates a space for whatever is currently happening behind the scenes in your life to play out.
Imagine being in a classical theater, high in the balcony overlooking an elaborate play on a magnificent stage. But rather than an audience that’s quietly watching, there’s an audience of hacklers, crying children, people talking on their cell phones, and a few teenagers listening to music on their iPods. In this space, the play cannot be acted out. The actors can’t finish their lines and the show gets caught in a loop trying to get through different scenes.
One of the most powerful approaches I take with my clients is to create a space whereby their neurosis, insecurities, ticks, discomfort, and patterns of behavior – what I like to call “stories” – play out into awareness. In the silence of no talking, in the stillness of non-activity, my clients’ stories are forced to perform. I become fully present for them, yet still and silent.
Their fears of intimacy manifest. Their discomfort with being in their own body surfaces. Their insecurity of being judged plays out through their eye patterns. Their uncertainty of silence, fear of nothingness, and loneliness in not being engaged are exposed by their need to force a conversation or ask “What? What? Why are’t you talking? Say something! WHAT?!”
Being in this stillness and silence allows all our neurotic plays to be acted out – of course, if we allow them to fully play out. That’s where the healing takes place; when we can finally let all of those stories play out to the end, emerging into stillness and silence. No round of applause. No standing ovation. Just a silent finale after the frenzy of our inner chaos.
What if there was a sexual philosophy that brought together all the schools of thought, and provided you with an empowering way to have the most passionate, fulfilling, spiritual, dirty, sexy, kinky, and liberating sex possible? How would your entire life change if you were able to conquer your fears, overcome your insecurities, release your shame and guilt, and free you from the opinions of others? Could you stop and imagine fulfilling all of your deepest and darkest fantasies in a way that was full of love, rather than fear or hate, and your partner thanking you for it?
Well, there is and I’ve created it just for you. Not only that, but it’s out today.
I’ve spent over 7 years learning a plethora of topics ranging from success, psychology, spirituality, seduction, relationships, masculinity, sexuality, romance, and dating. I’ve taken everything I’ve put into practical use and have real world experience in, distilled the more essential concepts, and created a course – nay, a philosophy – that presents the best of the best perspectives and frameworks around empowering conscious sex.
Introducing my first audio course, “Holistic Sex: Merging The Dirty & The Divine”.
I’ve taken the major concepts I teach men in my forthcoming book “Become A Remarkable Lover” and created a central philosophy that applies to men and women, singles or couples, gay or straight. A core set of ideas, approaches, and principles that empowers lovers to love without fear, dogma, shame, insecurity, and limitations. Holistic Sex is aptly named so because it is truly the first “holistic” approach to sex taught in a comprehensive course, encouraging satisfaction on all levels of our being.
I promise you will not find anything else out there like this, or else I wouldn’t have made it. I wouldn’t have taken months out of my life to pack this much value into 11 hours and 60 pages if there was already something that was teaching it – that’s not efficient or logical to me (you’ll actually learn about this trait in the course in the polarity section). This course is a necessity, for you and for the world.
Almost all the advice on sex only deals with the physical acts of sex… Holistic Sex deals with everything else. You already know enough techniques to physically create orgasms, and if you don’t, there’s 1000’s of books out there that will teach you how have incredible sex. What you DON’T have is the mindsets, beliefs, attitudes, perspectives, approaches, insights, reframes, and frameworks that support all those techniques.
Almost everything that makes you successful in the bedroom, has nothing to do with what you do in bed.
In this course, you will have massive breakthroughs. You will have paradigm shifts and “ah-ha!” moments – I guarantee it. This is an outline of what you’ll gain from going through the course:
- Discover hidden blocks preventing you from happiness.
- Overcome fears, insecurities, guilt, and shortcomings.
- Explore kinks, fantasies, taboos, and dirty talk from love.
- Create satisfying, authentic, and passionate intimacy.
- Achieve sexual freedom, enlightenment, and fulfillment.
It includes over 2 gigs of context:
- 11.4 hours of professionally mastered audio
- 60-page PDF workbook
- 23min HD Conditioning Clearer video
- 6 Bonus interviews
In an age where anybody can create an “E-Product”, I need to be frank about the quality of this course. This is not some ghetto-ass ebook thrown together at Starbucks. This is a professionally designed, recorded, mastered, written, and produced product of the utmost class, published through MetaHeal. In the coming months, it will be printed as a 12-disk physical product sold in the real world , so you’ll eventually be able to get your hands on it (literally).
But for now, I urge you to head on over to the launch page and check out the massive amount of stuff you get in the course (at a ridiculously good price). You’ll be able to download everything immediately, and get started on your deep transformation. I suggest acting now while the launch special price is still available, you don’t want to lose out on free cash and great sex would you?
Click the link to grab a FREE copy of the first disk: Holistic Sex
Are you afraid of commitment? No, I don’t mean relationships – I mean words. I’ve noticed that I have tended to use what I call “weak words” when setting plans, or even in telling a story in normal conversation. I’m not alone either – many people are afraid to commit to a specific time, leaving them off the hook if the decide to not follow through later. It’s the same with details. Vague ideas have a lot of wiggle room to them, and thus their meaning can be easily adjusted later on.
This is really just about people not committing and taking ownership to their choices and opinions.
I noticed when I say things like “see you around 10ish”, what I’m really saying is “I’m unable to commit to an exact time, but I’ll try to see there within that time frame.” It would be much better to say simply “I can’t commit to a specific time, but you can expect me between 10 and 10:15″ or to just commit to that time and arrive punctually.
When it comes to opinions, we often use weak words to not offend others. Things like “well, it’s kinda cool, but what if maybe do this instead?” are often said when we don’t really want or like it, but saying “no, I don’t like this” might offend the other. There’s a time and place for everything, but we definitely are watering down our message by speaking and writing like this.
The best way to change this is to simply omit the weak words from your life. After removing these words from your daily vocabulary, you will feel a lot of uneasiness in speaking without wishy-washy, wiggly, ambivalent language. You will find yourself speaking with much more attention, as if you’re a man of your word, you want to make sure you’re not making empty promises.
Our words have meaning. The language we use, whether you like it or rebel against it or not, has a direct impact on our lives. By speaking with more volition and specificity, we show up more congruently in our lives.
To do so is quite simple, albeit not always easy if you’re used to speaking sloppy and vaguely. Following the tips below, you can instantly change your language from weak to strong with little effort.
Sometimes it’s better not to try and “make something” out of everything. A few weeks ago I went out to lunch at a trendy health food cafe which I frequent here in California. As I made my way around to find a table to dine at, I saw a super cute girl eating at a huge table by herself. Also about to occupy a 4 person table alone, I made a playful joke about her doing so, and asked if I could join her.
She lit up.
“Sure” she said, “I’m almost done, but you can sit here.”
We enjoyed a (partial) meal together, discussing silly random topics and conversations about nothing and anything. I asked her about her passion, and she told me she loved to paint, but it’s hard to make a living from it. Usually I’d go into “motivational coach mode”, but I simply empathized with her and urged her on to get back into it anyways.
Her lunch break was over and she said goodbye, barely exchanging first names before parting. She left and I finished my meal, seamlessly progressing to opening the pages of a new book I brought along. Half an hour later, I left the cafe, never to see or hear from her again. It felt great.
* * *
That’s it – yes, the entire story. No punch line, no epic conclusion; and therein lies the beauty.
There was a time before when doing such a simple, casual thing as this was unfathomable. The idea of approaching a girl and sitting with her for a meal seemed like a Hollywood fantasy. Years ago, there were all these mind games I played with myself about judgment, “appropriateness”, fear, rejection, etc. Weird feelings and incongruencies in my thoughts and behaviors were the norm, rather than just being present to whatever was happening.
Now, after many years of inner work, I see it simply as two people momentarily crossing paths and enjoying the company in the moment. An ephemeral rendezvous of two souls that just happen to be of the opposite sex, meeting in a moment to share a connection – even as shallow and fleeting as a single meal.
There was no desire to “close her” or forcing something more. No compulsion that I needed to give a bigger meaning to the interaction. No mind games that I’m a loser for not sleeping with her within an hour – I’ve done that, and have flushed out the need to prove that to myself. I am now free to be authentic in the moment, acting on impulse and genuine desire.
When you deal with people – in business, dating, or networking – lose the agendas and become open and unattached to outcomes. Of course you should still have an intent, but make it a win-win. People can sense agendas easily, especially when they’re manipulative or selfish. When you simply have an intent to “light up their day”, “have a blast pushing my comfort zone”, or “learn about somebody’s story”, you can still achieve something without making it an obsessive goal or beating yourself up over not making it happen.
Nothing has meaning until we give it one. Look around you – everything you see means something to you because you gave a meaning to it, whether you realize it or not. When you’re in situations, they are inherently meaningless. You can decide if the meaning is “This person is too pretty/cool/young/famous to eat with me, so I’d just make a fool of myself” or “This other human being is eating lunch alone, perhaps they’d enjoy another person’s company.”
Be present and explore each new situation as its own, unique moment. Everywhere you go can be an adventure: some end up steamy and others what I like to call “a learning experience”. Show up fully and take risks; you cannot be “rejected” unless you’re seeking approval. Just enjoy the world and the world enjoy you right back. When you can bring goodness into the world, there is no reason other good people won’t want to enjoy your company.
I am the kinda guy that can be doing nothing and still have an amazing time with somebody (even my imaginary friends). So for me, anything we do can be a blast. I texted this girl to get together yesterday, and while happy to do so, she asks “what are we going to do?” Now there are a billion things we can do, and rather than just pick something out of a magic hat, I felt like approaching the question in a more meaningful way.
I loathe mundane.
What I came up with is just a simple way to reframe the intent and the approach to planing dates. If you’re looking to add deeper meaning and even some spontaneity to your date ideas, read on.
1. What To Do?
Typically, we think about what we want to do when we get together: the activity, the place, the logistics, the outcome of events, etc. This approach gives us answers such as: bowling, dinner and movie, walking at the beach, having sex, making food, taking a trip, hiking, etc.
2. What To Experience?
Taking a leap to the next level – from predictable to interesting – is when we ask ourselves and/or our date “what would you like to experience?”. This gives us answers such as: the beauty of nature, an adrenaline rush, playing out a fantasy or sexual role-play, a new place, an adventure, a chilled laid back conversation, etc.
3. What To Feel?
Getting to the heart of all experiences, the feelings and emotions that we feel are really the point of everything we do. When we ask: “what do I want to feel tonight?” or “what would you like to feel tonight?” it points us to the emotional outcome first, and we can work backwards and find the activity and experience that could create those feelings. This would look like: happy, sexy and feminine, humorous bliss, challenged (pushed beyond my comfort zone), romantic, desired, loved and cherished, fun and playful, etc.
4. What To Be?
This one goes a little meta by asking us what kind of person we want to be tonight. Asking “who or what would you like to be tonight?” or “what kind of man do I want to show up as today?” are powerful questions. The answers from both you and your partner can look like this: “I want to be an exotic and luxurious femme fatale” or “I want to be a loving, feisty, and playfully adventurous leader tonight” or “let’s play a new role, such as a husband-wife, pilots, secret agents, or strangers” or even ” I want to play the feminine role tonight and you can play the masculine”.
These 4 different approaches to brainstorming date ideas provide an extra bit of creativity and purpose behind what you plan. If you’re wanting to play strangers that night, you can pick any place and drive there separately and act it out. If your partner wants to feel sexy and feminine, perhaps a night at the spa, followed by a surprise lingerie gift for the evening’s sultry ending. If you want to experience adventure, perhaps a date that involves extreme sports or a road trip into nature may be required. If you just want to go swimming, simply pick a pool or beach and you’re golden.
You can explicitly go through this with your partner to come up with ideas together, or use it yourself as you come up with ideas. If you have a good idea of the personality of your date, you can work backwards from “who she is”, and think about what experiences somebody like that would have, what kinds of feelings she would want to feel on a date, and a place or activity she would be thrilled about.
It’s not rocket science – it just takes a shift in perspective. Use this as a helpful (and fairly unique) method to approach planning the night… you just might really impress your date!
Let me know what you think or if you used this to come up with some really epic or successful date ideas in the comments below!